Once more...

The other night I decided to have a spat with my husband over something that really didn't even matter. Namely, whether or not we are done having babies. His answer is we are absolutely done having babies. Me, I am not so sure. Sometimes I am sure. And sometimes I am not. Mostly I just wanted to talk about it. For some reason, I want him to be ambivalent, like me...leaning towards the "we are done" camp, but not lounging in his already constructed tent, roasting marshmallows in his rock-lined established firepit, lazily gazing at the cord of firewood that will keep through the winter.

So, I basically pick a fight with him. I ask him questions I already know the answers to, and then get put-out when he says what I already know he is going to say. Why? I am clearly torturing myself. I want him to sympathize with me. Understand how I feel and why I feel that way. Also, I want him to feel that way a little, too. Really, most of the time, I am putting up firewood with him in the "we are done" camp. I am clearing out baby stuff, trying to sell the bassinet. Giving away the expensive custom made baby-wearing slings and wraps I had made when I was pregnant. Making plans to buy gifts for other people's new babies. Selecting the few precious outfits I will be buried with. The bear overalls all three boys came home from the hospital in. The outfits they all wore for their 1-month pictures. The receiving blanket I used for all three boys.

Sometimes I think I *might* have a niggling feeling deep down that someone is missing. A little blond girl with pigtails. Someone to practice my mad french braiding skills on. Someone to be my daughter. I keep the names we picked to name the boys if they were girls in my heart, turning them like smooth stones. Maia Michelle. Eleanor Caite. Lily Ava. But we all know that even if we did have another baby, no one is promising me a daughter. And I do feel like all my sons are here and I really do love them so much. It is all for the best, really.

When I get all conflicted inside, there are a few things I tell myself.

• Since I was a teenager, I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30. Goal accomplished, and I love accomplishing goals.
• The combination of my and Honey's genes are prone to making lovely little allergic children. I really think what we have to deal with is enough on that front.
• Three sets of college tuition is plenty. As is three sets of soccer lessons and first dates and driver's ed.
• Surely out of all these boys, someone will give me a granddaughter. Right?

So, we are probably not going to do this once more. But sometimes you need to feel sad for a bit before you can accept the closing of a door. I just need to focus on what makes the "camp" we have chosen wonderful and leave the "what ifs" behind.