List-y

• Everyone does lists on Fridays, so why can't I?
• I am supremely cold. I am wearing my boss's sweater and half considering going an grabbing a blanket out of our annual Silent Auction pile. Ok. Not really.
• It's like 80 outside. It is practically immoral for me to be this cold.
• My husband and I went to lunch at a yummy Mexican place. While we were driving, I noticed a long curly blond hair on his jeans. My hair is straight and brown. I gave him the fifth degree about it (mostly jokingly) until I realized that I was wearing my boss's sweater. My blond, curly headed boss. Who apparently sheds a lot.
• I am considering the pros and cons of putting banana trees in my yard. How 'invasive' is 'invasive'? Where would I put them? How tall will they get? Will they really attract tarantulas like my husband is threatening? Is it too late for planting this year? Maybe I will just pot one and see what happens.
• I want to participate in NaBloPoMo, but last time I tried, I made an ass of myself. And really? Do I NEED more commitments? I think not.
• Honey is at Jelly Bean's Halloween party being the peanut police. I am very glad of this. I was nervous about it. The last time he had an exposure that landed us in the hospital was at the Easter party.
• My mother and I are going skating with Brother this afternoon. Lordy, I hope I get some energy soon.
• Tomorrow is trick or treating! Everyone be safe!

Brothers

I have been feeling lately how needy children are. I am not begrudging them their need. They are children. They require things to live and grow and become. It is the job of the parent to provide these things. Now, I am not talking about a new video game system or another Elmo toy. I am talking the big things. Patience. Confidence. Attention. Feeling valuable and important. And I love being a parent. I do.

But I am feeling really inadequate to provide these big things lately.

I have never been good at having two friends over to play at once. I would always focus on one and leave the other out in the cold, which would lead to the inevitable fight and someone going home in tears. These children of mine? It seems sometimes nary impossible to focus on them both at the same time. There is animosity. There is a significant age difference. There is the desire to be the center of attention, please.

Maybe it is because there are only two of them and therefore so easy for them to dichotomize themselves? I don't know. And I can't really understand how to help because I was an only child and am not good at sharing, even as a grown-up.

Jelly Bean loves Brother and would follow him to the ends of the Earth. But he also is rambunctious and wild. In his glee, sometimes the bigger people get hurt feelings and hurt bodies. There is no satisfactory retaliation, because Jelly is so young, not that we are really the 'just push him back' kind of people. He is just 3 and I don't know how to contain him better than he is contained, short of a straight jacket. And I don't know how to teach patience to Brother when he has had it up to here with Jelly. And I don't do such a good job sometimes of not losing it myself. It never occurred to me that there would be times when I would have to choose whose needs were more important.

The whole thing just makes me sad.

TAP

So, you know that parental gathering that is usually related to educational activities that require daily attendance? You know what I am talking about. The one that is the anagram of TAP. And that is what we shall be calling it so that no one finds out that I am bitching and...revokes my cupcake baking rights, or something of that ilk. (Because I do like to bake the cupcakes. My family, however, cannot ever imagine that I should make food for someone that is not them, and therefore circles like hungry...no STARVING piranhas. And that annoys me.)

Anyway, I would like to assert that being in TAP does not automatically make you a good parent. In point of fact, I think it might make you a shitty parent. Case in point: you might have a major event coming up for TAP and have agreed, as an elected official type TAP person, to bake 4 dozen cupcakes, make signs, drum up membership, sell pizza, write grants, and a hundred other things that don't really actually improve the life of a child one little bit in any way you can see. Or your specific child at all. In fact, the added stress of being an elected official type TAP person might make it so there is much yelling at your own offspring for silly things like *touching* one of the 4 dozen cupcakes or being on Nick Jr. when OMG YOU HAVE TO DESIGN CUTE SIGNS ABOUT CUPCAKES! And there is the added conundrum of trying to get other people to buy into TAP and dedicate time to TAP when really, you kind of loathe it. Selling a product you would rather not use? Not easy.

Additionally, it takes a toll on your marriage as well as you will expect your partner to be inside your head, do everything fully and completely and *possibly* even better than you do it. And you will inevitably get mad, because lo and behold: You did not marry a mind-reader. Or even someone who is good with details.

And you will want to quit TAP less than 3 weeks in but won't. Choosing to sacrifice your family's sanity and stress levels so that you won't be seen as a 'quitter'. And you may kind of hate yourself for being so prideful that you would put the people who are most important to you in the world, on the back burner. You will pray for May to come as soon as possible. Because of TAP.

Recap

After work on Friday, Honey met me at my office with the kids (as he had a half day) and we went out for Chinese. It was actually pleasant as Jelly Bean sat and ate nearly the entire time we were there and we didn't feel like we were dining at gunpoint. Because the weather had turned cool, we went to the park afterward and ran into friends who we chatted with while the kids played for a good long while. (Ah, I looooove the feeling that I have a social life.) After we all decided it was too cold to stay out, we walked downtown for a cup of hot chocolate and rice krispie treats at the coffee shop. Brother was invited to stay the night at his friend's house, but I declined the offer because a) I am a paranoid freak and b) we had plans for the next day.

Saturday, we went to a local farm that was having a pumpkin festival. While it wasn't as authentic as I would have liked, we did get to see the sweet baby animals and listen to the cows. We took a hay ride and the kids climbed trees and waved to the pretty lady riding the horse. I actually ran into a colleague from work as well, which was a pleasant surprise and occasion to show off my beautiful family. After a yummy barbeque/jambalaya luncheon, we purchased the pumpkins the kids picked out and headed home. We ran to the grocery store and then met my dad at Our House for a visit while Honey and I cleaned up a bit.

Sunday, I spent the day in bed with a book, which was so delicious, I couldn't/wouldn't put it down...even when Honey was mowing the lawn and doing the laundry and I really should have been parenting my children... But it was chilly and I was warm and had my cocoa, and occasionally a child snuggled beside me.

It was a lovely weekend.

Chatty

I'm especially tired today. Ever notice how when you have a lot of stuff to do and the work extends beyond business hours and there is really no end in sight...and all you want to do is lay down and close your eyes and pretend none of it exists?

Or maybe that's just me.

I did get some things accomplished last night for Honey's side-of-the-family reunion that is coming up in December. I called a bunch of people I don't even know and told them that I am having a party for Poppy's 70th birthday and they are all coming. And bring a covered dish. Dammit. People are supposed to call me to tell me what they are bringing so we don't have 8 tubs of potato salad and I think then is when I am going to spring on them that Jelly Bean has a nasty peanut/tree nut allergy, will they kindly not poison my child? *Ahem*

I have vast and wonderful plans to do spreadsheets and marketing materials for the PTA. (I will not mention that I have these plans every night, they just never happen. But we have an actual meeting tomorrow, so I need to produce.) I would just like to say: I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Additionally, I will remember this the next time I get all enthusiastic and volunteer for stuff. It's like now I have a part-time job that I am doing for free. It requires just as much energy and creativity as my paying job. (Don't ask me what was I thinking...What was I thinking???) But I will see it through. Let's hope May comes soon.

Halloween is coming up. Brother is going to be Harry (which he also was when he was 2), but what about the wee Bean? I am thinking Pirate. That would make Honey happy. Unless you have a quick/easy/cheap idea?

Open

The weather changed yesterday and we have finally been able to turn off the air conditioner, at least during the day, and throw open the windows. The house has been shut up all summer and feels stifling and dusty (and full of rabbit hair, to my chagrin.) I love reading next to an open window by the natural light with a hot drink, the breeze wafting the steam towards me. My heart wants to relax and enjoy this moment. I keep being reminded that these are the times of our one and only lives.

I am loathe to say how busy I am. We are all busy, trying to figure out the balancing act of life and work and obligations and parenthood. I am loathe to say I am tired, because really, everyone's tired. I guess right now I do want to say that I am thankful that my problems are skimpy little things, really, much like the teeny bikinis that I wouldn't look twice at in the store. Even though occasionally they feel as voluminous and heavy as an over-sized wool sweater. And that I am open to the lessons of the past and the glow of the present and the wonder of the future.

Today I am am feeling glimmers of optimism. Hope looks inviting on the rack. I try it on and find that it fits perfectly.

Doin' Laps

My life, somehow, got really complicated lately. I have all these...social engagements. Parties, plays, and dinners. I have dance classes and PTA board meetings. Did I mention I was supposed to be planning a family reunion...for my HUSBAND's family?


I think I have been abducted by a pod person.

And now, I am starting to feel really guilty. I mean, I can't manage all the stuff already on my plate. My house is cluttered and really messy. I need to go through stuff and get. rid. of. it. Honey just started a new job and I need to be supportive by taking back all of my responsibilites that he assumed rather than, "Oh, I know it's your first week of work and all, but could you see if you can get off early so I can go to dinner with the PTA Executive Committee? Thanks."

I need to figure out Halloween costumes.
I need to call that lady about the block party.
I need to make a shopping list.
I need a drink. Something to make my head loopy and cause the whole I-don't-give-a-shit feeling.

Oh well, I will suck it up and NOT volunteer for any more stuff. It is only until May, right? I can do anything for (counts on fingers...) 7 months.

I hear Dory in my head.





Just keep swimming,
Just keep swimming,
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

Shell It Out

So, last year Brother's teacher told me that she thought he might have ADD. While at first I was reluctant to believe that, I did have to admit that he did have some signs/trouble paying attention in class. Mostly just spacing out and not doing his work. I talked with his doctor and he told me that we could do a battery of testing, but what it would come down to in the end was whether I wanted to put him on medication. We had a discussion as a family and since Brother makes the honor roll with more A's than B's consistently, we didn't feel like medical intervention was the right choice at the time. We informed the doctor and the teacher that we were going to wait and see if he could mature over the summer a bit and maybe get through this without medication.

The summer was lovely. Blissful. It is AMAZING how our quality of life changes when there is no homework to fight over and plow through every night. And school started and...Brother started having problems the second week. Not doing his work. Not paying attention. I had a mini nervous breakdown. We were not in a position to afford the $250.00 medication for ADD. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I decided to start paying him for good behavior.

This was a drastic move on my part. I grew up in a house where monetary incentives were basically frowned upon. I didn't get allowance, but was not expected to do many chores either... which is probably why my house is a disaster, but that's another story. When I came home with all A's once in high school, I foolishly asked what I got for all my efforts...and was told I get to eat and live in this house. Heh. (And oh, can you just imagine my parent's disapproval when they found out about this little scheme? It was something to behold...from another room.) Basically for writing down his homework in the proper place under the correct date and for not getting a number marked on his calendar (the school's 'note to parent' methodology of choice), he gets a dollar. Most months that is about $20.00 which is a far cry from the cost and mental anguish of putting my child on drugs.

The thing is that I need some proof he can't do it on his own. I need to know there are no other strategies that can be employed before we go that route. I need to know that he has a medical condition that requires medicine and is not...just being a lazy normal kid. So, when he comes home and shows me his homework planner with no numbers and correct homework, he gets a dollar. "Another day, another dollar!" is something we say a lot in our house. And it is working. Not perfectly, but it is working. There are days when he doesn't write down his homework or when he is chatting with friends in class and gets a number. But that is normal, in my opinion and this strategy is effective for us, for now.

Lovely Disclaimer: Of course, this is just what is working for our family. Some children need different incentives/interventions than others. There is no judgement from me on what other parents for their parenting/life choices. Amen.

What I Did On Summer Vacation by Misty OurHouse

This past summer, I took a lot of breaks. I took a break from blogging and a break from work: I only worked part-time this summer. Working about 24 hours a week and being home for the rest of it taught me a few things. No matter how much lip service I had paid to saying that stay at home moms work just as hard as working moms, I really had no idea that stay at home moms work HARDER than anything I do. There is the scheduling and the constant entertaining and the having to shop with children. And the fact that when you are with kids all day, you can't really even pee by yourself, let alone go through your Reader? Holy Moly. I am so glad I did it, really. And I liked having so much time with the kids, but I was really glad for my break of coming to work three days a week.

I joined WeightWatchers near the middle of the summer and lovelovelove it. It is basically the only thing that has ever worked for me and I was going around telling people, "YOU should join WeightWatchers!!!" Until I realized that wasn't a very nice thing to say... *Cringe*

This summer, Honey and I went to the beach for a weekend for our anniversary. It was so nice to be able to go out without feeling like you're eating at gunpoint. (Hurry up and scarf down that $50 meal, because the youngest is going to blow at any moment!) We walked on beaches and strolled through shops. It was totally relaxing.

With the kids we went on a Disney trip just this past week. And another thing I learned is that they *say* Disney is for kids...but I am not so sure. Swimming pools, now those are for kids. But rides and scary animatronic animals? Not so much. Brother had more fun than the little Bean. And there were bright spots, don't get me wrong. Like the Buzz Lightyear ride where we "got the naughty aliens and put them in timeout." Or how Brother talks incessantly about Expedition Everest and how much he loved it. And how Jelly Bean kept saying, "Guess What? We goin' Disney World!" every 5 minutes.

And of course there was another life lesson incorporated into this summer's curriculum. I think it was a course in irony. Honey got a new job with a huge raise and over the summer, thanks to this job and the work of two years prior, we paid off our debt. It took two long hard scrimping saving years, but we did it. Nearly $40,000. And we were so so proud of ourselves. It was so hard, but we had arrived. Now we could do the things we wanted to do. We could fix up the house and take more trips and do more things with the children. And then, like so many before us, Honey lost his job less than a week after our debt was paid off.

Now, we were in a decent position for this to happen. But it was a new job. A lucrative job. And such a blow to us. It made me really grateful for MY job and how dependable it is. It made us look at what things were really important and where the fat could be cut. He was only out of work for about a month. He worked his ass off, interviewing sometimes two and three places a day. Today was his first day at his new job. It isn't the fancypants position with the sky high salary that he did have, but it is a step up, and I am grateful.

So, I learned to be thankful this summer. I am thankful for my family, for my friends, for my resources, and for our perseverance. Because life is hard and wonderful and difficult and charmed, all at once, all the time.