My Mother

Mother's Day is coming up soon, but today I do not feel the need to wax poetic about the cult of motherhood. Nurture, kindness and patience, whatever. Madonna and Child, cover your ears.

My mother drives me crazy.

Ok, ok. Everyone's mother drives them crazy, I get it. But mine. Ug. Remember the Beachy Vacation we would like to go on? Well, we like my parents and the kids like my parents. So I wanted to invite them to go. So yesterday I call my mom to talk to her about it.

Insert Small Talk Here
Me: So, the reason I am calling is because we want you to go on vacation this summer with us.
Mom: Oooohhh, I don't think so.
Me: Don't you even want to know where we are going?
Mom: Well, I have to go to Ohio for Great-Grandma's 90th birthday...I promised. I have to go up for a weekend.
Me: Uh. Is there a reason you can't do both? And you don't even care if we are going to the freaking Grand Canyon, just as soon as I ask, the answer is automatically no? You don't love us.
Mom: Why are you whining at me?
Me: Because, all my life you have been telling me how there would be a time that we wouldn't go on trips anymore as a family and I try to make sure that never happens. But everytime I bring it up, the answer is automatically and resoundingly NO, with no details. Why don't you love us.
Mom: You are being weird.
Me: You are right. I am. When I say, "You don't love us," what I mean is you are hurting my feelings. Tell me, are you busy when we are going? Do you not like the location?
Mom: I don't know. When are you going? Where are you going? (To my father:) Your daughter is whining at me. (He rolls his eyes.)
I tell her where we are going and that we are flexible with the time schedule to accommodate them.
Mom: Fine dear. I will talk to your father about it.
Me. Thank you for at least getting all of the information and considering it before declining.
Mom: (exasperated) Yes, dear.
*Click*

GAAAAHHHARRRRAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Now, I am not sure I captured the spirit of the interlude very well. And I kind of knew she was going to say no just for no's sake, but I still got upset and flew off the handle. I am sure she would title her blog post, if she had a blog, "My Daughter, Mood Swinger Extraordinaire" But Oh. My. God. WHY???? It feels like she just has to tell me no right off the bat, no matter the question. Is the sky blue, mother? No dear, it is purple with green polka dots. Is the moon out tonight? No, that is the sun. Didn't you know it was daytime? I look up at the stars. Sigh.

She drives me nuts. Now, I hope they say they can't go. I don't want accommodate them in scheduling or anything else. Don't you think they should at least have been flattered to have been asked? I know I would have been.

And now for something completely different...

• The builder has completed exactly half of our yard. He has not done anything for at least a week and a half. This makes me nervous. When will he finish? WILL he finish? I feel the need to DO things.
• Last night we took the kids to Wendy's for dinner. The non-picky Jelly Bean refused mandarin oranges, he refused his little hamburger. He didn't want but one chicken nugget and ate a couple of fries. He did not drink but maybe a third of his milk. What did he eat? Ketchup. With a spoon. Gah.
• I kept saying, Lycopene? Lycopene, right? It is good for his prostate, right? Honey just looked at me. I am guessing this is not polite dinner conversation.
• Brother, however, ate up his salad, the leftover-afore-mentioned oranges, fries and sports-drink thing. Sometimes I don't remember why I get so frustrated with his eating habits. He eats good things! It is just the menu of things he will eat is so limited, I guess.
• There was a lady at the restaurant with a little mutant baby. Not that he had a disability of any sort I could see. He just looked...strange. With a ginormous head and the teeniest limbs. It is not nice to say mutant baby. Really. I am sure he is a lovely baby. And if he were mine, I would kiss and squeeze and love his little mutant self...
• He was not even 2 months old and the mama gave him a bottle of water. I just don't understand bottle feeding. Is this a normal phenomenon to give water to such a little baby? Or how my kids weren't supposed to have solids until after 6 months, but then someone I know will tell me how their 6-week-old takes 4 something-or-others (teaspoons? ounces?) of cereal in their bottle at night and sleeps from dust 'til dawn. What? I feel like at best, I am from a different culture. At worst, from a different planet.
• Then we went to Wa1Mart (why do we disguise the spellings of things, anyway? I am not quite sure. Maybe one of you would be good enough to explain to me what this precaution actually is intended to do.) to get a bit of this and that. Bought Jelly Bean some socks and some twine to string up the cucumbers (hopefully). We also found a bike on sale for Honey. For $50. I will tell you why this is significant.
• Since all of you fine folks tell me I am in dire need of a vacation (Note to self: incorporate less venom and more sweetness and light into blog posts), I have been looking at staying on the beach in a cabin in one of Florida's state parks. So, it would be a hybrid vacation of camping-esque new adventure mixed with the old familiarity of our annual beach retreat. Good idea, huh? I am thrilled with it. I just hope Honey and Brother like the experience. It is hard to be responsible for other people's good times.
• I have found a place where they rent bikes in the park as well. The bike rental is $50 for the week. So, I told Honey either we could rent a bike for a week at the summer's end or he could have one to keep. He opted to keep it. We are pleased.
• Transporting the damn thing over state lines? Another story entirely. I am hoping to obtain some gear through Freecycle. Maybe?

Hope your Monday was lovely and your Tuesday is even better. And here's to Friday, may she get her chunky ass here as soon as possible. Amen.

Dreamin'

So we are set to get a little tiny bit of 'extra' money from a consulting job that Honey has. And there is so much we want to do. Want to help me make a decision about it?

1. Honey wants to be a woodworker. I have been saying since we moved in that I really want a clothesline. He wants to build me one. With the cost of tools (which would be good for us to have for other projects) and materials, our little chunk of change would be gone.
2. I would like to stain and seal the flooring of the front and back porch. Honey likes the cedar color. And while I do like the cedar color as well, it is a bit orange and our house is a khaki tan color with black shutters with red doors, white trim. I think a honey color would look nicer. I would like to repaint the white bits of the porch as well, get a swing and lattice for the front. I think we could do all that with this little bit of money, provided we did all the work ourselves.
3. The builder IS redoing our yard. So that means that everywhere that we have cultivated some sort of grassy greenery is now covered in thick hard clay/dirt. We are glad of this, really, but the mud tracks all over the house. I don't think we have enough to buy even a moderate amount of sod, so grass seed and straw it is. Maybe a new hose or two to get water where it needs to go to help the growing process.
4. We could sack it away for the beachy vacation I am hoping to take in August/September. How I love the beach. This year, I want to get a condo as Jelly Bean does much better when he has a room of his own. If not, he just screams all night and no one gets to sleep and it is horrible.

Look at me! I am the Pioneer Woman! I am Swistle! All five of you who actually visit me, do the poll over there -->

It will be fun.

Promise.

Second Degree

Why, you ask? I will tell you why... Although I fear some of you will be desperately disappointed in me, it is not some magical tragedy or anything. "Simple Math, Eddie Bondo." (Name that book.)


Let me preface with this, we have cut and cut and cut expenses. We have given up much frivolous activities like movies and eating out. We just don't do those things anymore. I have cut the phone bill and electric bill and cell phone bills by about 2/3. It is a great accomplishment, really. I am proud of us. But even with all of these things, if I didn't have my job, we would still be out of money before we even got around to buying groceries or diapers or gas. This is of course, subtracting all the expenses we have that is specifically related to my job, like daycare and extra gas and suitable work attire, etc. Not having my job means no Christmas gifts, no clothing for anyone, no birthday parties, no playhouse Brother so desperately wants, no nothing. And although it seems horrible to me that I would put wants in front of being with my kids, I am starting to see it in a new light.

It is not only the wants we would have to sacrifice, it is the needs as well. Because, don't we all need experiences? To see new places and do new things. To learn. To feel as if, through our labor, we are building a better life for ourselves and our children. I can't expect Honey to get the kind of raise we would need to live comfortably, without wanting for basic items. I don't want him switching jobs either because the company he is with is really stable and the economy just isn't doing all that great. I can't work part time, because, after I did the math, I wouldn't even be bringing home minimum wage a month for 20 hours a week of work. Not worth it and we would still be wanting for all of those little things that makes life worthwhile. In short, we would just not have enough to make the house note and buy food, insurance, and all the other stuff that needs paying for. I didn't want to believe it. I wanted 'them' to be lying. But it is true. Most families just can't make it on one salary.

I am making my peace with this fact.

I have been mentally preparing for 9 months to have a life without summer trips to the beach, without getting my hair cut by the stylist I like, and without my children being able to participate in any sort of activity that requires money of any sort. (This is the part where Misty is trying to convince herself.) But even with all of this sacrifice, it is not possible. And really, is all this sacrifice worth it? Do I want my kids to grow up with not enough money to learn to play the piano? Do I want them to not be able to see different places and experience different things just so I can fulfill a dream of mine that may or may not make their lives better in any way? I am getting to the point where 'no' is the answer.

But here is the perk. The silver lining, if you will. I have a good job that I like. I have excellent leave policies and bucket loads of time off. I have a extremely flexible schedule and a boss I love. I am pleased with my salary level and have even lobbied against raises. (WhatWHATwhat??? Yes, I am crazy.)

I will just have to keep at the job. This idea is changing how I think. It is changing, right now in my head while I am writing this. How I think about the budget. How I think about what we are saving for. More than anything else I want to stay home for at least one whole summer with my kids. But maybe I will get to that point one day where I will have the leave to do so. In so many ways, the idea that every red cent we make doesn't have to be spent in a mad dash to pay off all debts is really freeing. I have also learned an important lesson about how lucky we are.

Don't get me wrong. I am still sad. Truly, my heart is broken. I will still shed tears over this. I am learning that when a dream dies, it is a painful loss. I will mourn. I will not get over it today, or tomorrow, or next year. I will get angry that I really have little choice in the matter. But I will make my peace and I will get up and put on my big girl panties and find the silver lining. That is what grown-ups do. And who knows, this degree of change may make our lives better in the end.

Degrees

This morning I was listening to NPR where Tobias Wolff was being interviewed about a new collection of short stories he has compiled, some old and some new. Listening to his words and the way he thought of the world and portrayed it through literature gave me waves of nostalgia of late high school and undergrad years. Oh, my love. The Written Word. How I have missed thee.

A couple of things Wolff said just stuck in my head and resounded with truth. There are moments throughout our lives that may or may not be epiphanal. But each little step we take in a slightly different direction can change our lives with great magnitude at a later date. Just one degree of turning to the left or to the right. Think of how small a degree is, really. Doesn't that have a 'wow' factor? It just hammered home how important little decisions are. So, of course, I started thinking about all of the little decisions we have made in our family lately. Deciding to start recycling and composting, for one. We have went from filling up the huge green monster of a trash can outside of our backdoor every week to only having one or two lonely bags sitting on the bottom of the bag. Look at this! I eye the rest of the street with the bulky green cans overfilling with trash and even some additional bags sitting on the ground all around, building a skirt for the mess. And I do not feel smug. I feel sad. We should all take a step in this direction. Just one degree. It is not hard really. It was not expensive; practically free really. It does not take much more out of our lives. Maybe a cumulative of 20 minutes a week, really. But, just look at the difference.

Another thing is trying to grow some of our own vegetables. I can go out and cut a giant bowl of tender green lettuces that will last for days and it is always more crisp and fresh than anything I can get at the supermarket. This is one less dose of chemicals I am giving my family. Surely, this little degree change in budget and eating habits and local eating will show a change somewhere, somehow down the road. Every little degree makes a difference.

But next I want to tell you about a small difference that has enormous impact on my family. You all know about my struggles to get debt paid off so that I can stay home with the kids. I have felt like for a long time, my whole future has simultaneously hinged on and been contingent upon this fact. I want to be a Stay-At-Home-Mom. More than just about anything. Sacrifice is ok. But guess what? Numbers don't lie. Even if I paid off Honey's car (and we never ever bought another car again), paid off all of the credit cards (we only have one left, so that is something), AND paid off my student loans (all this together? well over $50,000), I can still not stay home.

Why, you ask? I will tell you why...

(To be continued...)

I the Wah-Wah

I am grumpy today. So I shall make a list.

• I sometimes hate my job. I am all tense and stressed out and have no faith in the world or the systems in place to protect people. It sucks. I have a hard time leaving work at work. It permeates my life and makes me nuts. Probably because it is scary.
• I just feel lazy. Like, angry lazy. Actually aggressive towards the idea of doing stuff. Like housework. Housework needs to be done. Laundry, dishes, etc. Jelly hasn't had a bath in 3 days, dude. And I just don't want to. And will scowl at anyone who suggests that I do so.
• I wish the stupid contractor would just tell me if he is going to fix my yard or not. He has stood me up three times to come have a meeting with me and look at the issues.
• Brother has a dentist appointment tomorrow and I am nervous. I hate dentists and worry that he will have like 8 cavities and need $3000 in dental work. Don't laugh. There is precedent.
• I worry his teeth will be bad because I haven't monitored his diet well enough or been better about vitamin enforcement.
• Jelly Bean is mean. He climbs on top of me in bed in the morning and bounces on my full bladder until I think I will simultaneously die and pee all over the place. Then he clings to me like a tiny little burr when Honey tries to save me from the pain and mess. But it is not because he is a sweetie-heart who loves his mama. It is because he lives to torture me and loves to hear me say, "Ouch! Stop it!" Literally, he can say, "Stop!" very very well.
• Nursing is officially over. 19 months. That is how long the nursing lasted. I am sad now that my boobs are sheerly for decoration. Mainly because they are terrible decoration. Old saggy ninnies. Bah.
• I was looking through old pictures and am amazed how poorly I am aging. I used to be young and svelte and beautiful just four years ago. Now I am old and wrinkly with saddlebags and a poochy belly. Woe is me.
• It is only 11:30. And I hate 11:30.
• It is Wednesday and I hate Wednesday.
• I forewent the chocolate cake last night. Regret it.
• I shall try to cheer myself with McDonald's and cupcakes and thusly not spread my venom and bad chi to the universe, or at least the people who have to deal with me. Later.

Letter

We read some of the same blogs, you and I. And I stop by from time to time to read your most recent post. So, I saw the post about your neighbors and the April Fool's one. And I was a bit confused. I was going to email you to see if you might be good enough to explain about whether you were using the term "athiest" as an insult. I couldn't figure it out from just these couple of posts.

But before I went contacting you randomly, I wanted to see if I could find the information for myself. I did a search on your blog for the term 'athiest'. And you do mean it as an insult. Wow. It really is wrong for me to be hurt by this, but I am. I mean, I don't read your blog very often and I don't think you have ever been to mine. And I know there are Christians who are out there and blogging and very up front about their faith and worldview; I have seen the blogs.

I think maybe I would just like to say that I make a very conscious effort to ensure that my children learn tolerance. The only reason I would hope you would do the same thing is because my family has to exist in this same world with you.

That's all. I mean you no harm in thought or deed or anything else. I just wanted you to know that your words affected me. They brought tears to my eyes and made me sad for the world.

-Misty

Scowl

Things don't seem to be going my way. *Scowl*

• The Ominous Committee is making my life miserable again. Emails I write are confusing. I get a committee I chair to work their collective tushies off and still feel like it is not good enough. I am the Committee Bitch (meaning I am the "secretary" type who orders lunch and types minutes all while still doing the harder stuff like chairing subcommittees and heading data collection.) Blah. Someone get me my old job back. *Scowl*
• I have been having dizzy spells, swelling in my legs and feet, and some fatigue. I am afraid it is diabetes as my dear old granny has drilled it into my head our yucky family propensity for the disease. And it is not like I am skinny or anything. *Scowl*
• So I am going to the doctor next week. Why next week? Because I have to be a "new patient" again because I haven't had an appointment for three years. *Scowl*
• I can't get my herbs to grow in the pots. I think I shouldn't have used the old crappy soil I had and can't seem to keep them watered enough. I should just start over, but hate to abandon the little sprouts. Even though they have been half an inch tall for like a month. They aren't getting any bigger is my point. *Scowl*
• I have to work two weekends this month. I told my boss I was perturbed and she told me I can have comp days to make up for it. I told her I didn't want comp days; I want my weekends. I want to see Brother and Honey and if I take off on a Wednesday, they are in school and at work, respectively. She said, "Don't you need some 'you' time?" No. I need family time. *Scowl*
• As much as I bitch about work, I am moonily in love with my boss and can't imagine ever leaving her. I am also afraid I wouldn't know who I was anymore if I wasn't working with the organization I am with. So even though a really good opportunity has presented itself...I am too chicken to apply for the position. Scowl? I am not sure.

Even with the mass negativity, I have some good stuff going on.

• I will be getting a raise in July.
• I am going to a HUGE Event this weekend that is right up my alley. Honey is coming, too. One Million Kadrillion bonus brownie points if you can guess.
• The garden is growing well.
• I have a wonderful family, a sound roof, and a full belly. Really, what do I have to complain about?
  

Busy Bean

OhMyHolyCrap I am freaking tired. We had a pretty work intensive weekend, but it always seems like our weekends are work intensive. There is just so much to be done and so little time to do it. Spring has Sprung in our neck of the woods and there are beds to weed and seeds to plant and lawns to mow and trees where you need to snip off all those little shoots that want to become branches in the 'wrong' spot...And then you have two little people who need caring for as well.

Honey and I were talking yesterday and I was telling him how Brother was nothing nothing like Jelly Bean when he was the Bean's age.

Brother: Laid back. Didn't get into stuff. Even when there was stuff to get into. Just chillin' chillin'.

Jelly: Busy. Give him 10 seconds and he will find the most destructive/messy/dangerous thing in the room and insist on having it. Your coffee sitting on the desk? All over the floor and the Bean has subsequently slipped and fallen and coated himself in said coffee and is therefore a Coffee Flavored Jelly Bean. In 10 seconds. I swear.

Honey sometimes says having another child is contingent on Jelly's behavior. Well, yes, he is busy and requires a lot of work, but I don't think this is a good enough reason to say, "Oh, we're stopping here. We have one energetic child." I guess I think we can do it even if Jelly Bean has a lot of energy. He is a good baby, really. He doesn't fuss a lot and goes to sleep with no problems. He eats good and isn't really picky. He is just a mover and a shaker. Nothing wrong with that, right? (Tell that to us when we are immobilized on the sofa and exhausted beyond belief...)