Frame, Reframe

I remember learning about frames in my high school English class. A literary device used to contain a story. "A narrative structure that provides a setting and exposition for the main narrative in a novel." It is one of my favorite ways of controlling the perception of a story. Frames help us see things in certain ways. They can be our coping mechanisms.

When I was a kid, my mother, father, and myself moved to a state we had never even set foot. Literally, we got out an atlas when we heard of the job transfer because it was so far away and so far outside of where we planned to travel. It was a really difficult experience to go from being surrounded by family to having not even a single friend. My folks aren't the social types. They did not set out to build us a safety net or a community. They did not make friends or join a faith. It was just us.

In some ways, this ended up being a positive thing. When you are cast out into a foreign land (Believe me, the South IS foreign), you tend to cling to what you know. While we would venture out to plantation homes and try new seafood dishes, we would also celebrate holidays by making traditional family recipes and remembering when so-and-so made scalloped potatoes for the first time. Or how that cousin would only eat applesauce and corn. We became really close. Perhaps this move made me closer to my parents than I would have been otherwise. They were my source for just about everything for a long time. My relationship with them is still a mainstay for me.

Still, I miss having a family, even if not my particular family. (When you grow, you can see how crazypants people are. I think it is easier to recognize from a distance.) I found a close social network in a church when I was a teenager, but became disenchanted at a later point in time. Because of my time there, I will probably never be comfortable in any faith setting and would certainly not be looking for 'family' there. After I met Honey, I figured this would be my chance to have a family. For my son(s) to have a close family with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. But it just hasn't worked out that way. I am finally figuring out that, after 7 years, it is just not working out the way I thought it would. There are no family reunions. Or plans for Thanksgiving together. Or birthday cards from Granny with $2 in them. Or notification when someone is going to be in town. We are the black sheep.

While the frame to this story currently is me hoping to gain back a family to replace the one I had to leave behind, I need a re-frame. You know what I can do about other people's behavior? Exactly nothing. However, I can do something about my own behavior and thought processes. As a counselor friend is known to say: It would be wonderful if they were engaged and interested and called on your kids' birthdays! But they are not those sorts of folks. Oh well! I can still pay attention to my nieces, even if I rarely see them, through birthday gifts and Christmas cards. I want to be remembered as someone who showed them kindness, even if I didn't see them all that often. When I am blessed with grandchildren of my own, I will be sure to make an effort to be part of their lives. I want to be the grandma who they see multiple times a month but still sends a clipping from the Sunday comics and a stick of bubble gum through the mail as a reminder: I love you. I think of you. You are important to me. I want to be the granny who takes the grandkids on vacations to Disney. I will be involved as much as I am allowed without squashing parental toes.

Sometimes when things are going crappily, all I need is a reframe. The story was told in one way, but now I am going to change the language and the structure. Transform it from a tragic melodrama into a morality tale. A fable to help guide my steps...

Ready. Set. Go.

If I have to do any more Google searches on allergen free recipes and products, I am going to sit here and cry at my computer. I spent so much time wishing and hoping that it wasn't true, that I didn't mentally prepare for "after the allergy tests."

Milk. Eggs. Soy. Peanut.

When I started crying in the doctor's office over what the hell I was supposed to do for Scooter's first birthday cake, the nurse practitioner looked at me like I was crazy. She said, "His tongue isn't swelling up, his airways aren't closing, it's ok!" Honest? This did not make me feel better. Sure. There are worse cases, kids whose reactions even this young are more severe. But, hoo boy, just give it time. Allergies are tricky. They can intensify, they can change, then can disappear. But for now, for the next few years, things have to change. And I am not sure what this change is supposed to look like.

When I left the appointment, I felt even worse off than when I went in. Now I have no idea what to do. I feel paralyzed when it comes to making food choices for Scooter. How careful am I supposed to be? Is it like the peanut allergy, where I have to make sure my home, the sitter's home, and my parent's home is nut free? Are we allowed to have milk in the fridge? Is it enough for him not to touch it or consume it? What about cheese? Sour Cream? The eggs in the door? The nurse practitioner told me to go look at FAAN (which, don't you think I HAVE? I have a peanut allergic child. This isn't my first rodeo. Jesus.) and to food test the eggs and soy.

But I have no freaking clue how to do that. I am supposed to...give my kid the stuff he tested positive for? That sounds crazy. You don't food test nut allergies. I have no experience in this. What's more is that she wants ME to give up milk, eggs, soy, and peanuts because I am breastfeeding, even though we have seen him have ZERO reactions whatsoever to my diet. (Never, he was not a gassy, spit-up baby. No gastrointestinal distress, no hives. He has very very mild eczema, but that is it.) So, I am supposed to give my kid allergens straight up, but heaven forbid I put creamer in my coffee at work, lest it cause a reaction? Someone tell me I am not crazy.

I think it is ok for me to grieve. To be upset. And I will junk-punch anyone who tells me I am not allowed to feel the loss of milk and cereal and ranch dressing and baked goods and ice cream and restaurants. I don't do well when I feel out of control. When I feel ignorant. When I don't know the path forward. Trial and error is not the way I tend to function. I am a "research and pick the best path" kind of girl. But where to start? The internet is full of good and bad information and there is no one-size-fits-all.

Where to start.

In case you were wondering...

I did get up the guts to try that aerobics-type-class on Wednesday...and basically everything I feared happened. At first, I had no idea if the class I wanted to attend had started, or if this was the previous class. The facility was in one room so I walked in on another class just by entering the building. The previous class ran over by 15 minutes, so my class started late. There was no receptionist or employee other than the instructor teaching the class currently. The class I walked in on was packed with people, but there ended up being only two people in the class I took: me and another lady in this HUGE room. (Gah). And the owner's children ran around behind us during the class. (Note: If my goal was exercising basically by myself with small children underfoot, I would have stayed at home and did a fitness tape.)

In the middle of the class, I knew I was never coming back. I was so so glad I insisted on paying the one time class fee (when an employee to pay actually showed up). The instructor was fine and complimentary, saying that I seemed very familiar with the dance steps even though it was my first time. (I used to hang out in Salsa clubs in my youth...) If there might have been 5 more people in the class, I might have come to a different conclusion. Maybe. One thing I didn't like was that I felt like the whole purpose of the class was simply to keep me moving for 45 minutes, which I could do with little difficulty. I barely broke a sweat and didn't need to shower when it was over. I missed my belly dancing class which I felt like taught me something to remember. That I could go the next week and say, "Look! I can do this now! Last week I couldn't, but I am getting better." Progression, if you will.

This less-than-positive experience had me start looking around for another real dance class. Lo and behold, a notice on FB stated my old dance instructor was coming back into town and was doing workshops. I went to one on Thursday night and I am so so glad I did. In a way, it felt like I had never left. I am a bit out of practice, but was able to hold my own despite not dancing for nearly 2 years. (Jeez, 2 years?!?) Anyway, one of the more advanced students is having classes once a week. I wrote her a check and am excited to go next week. Also, this morning, while I am not hobbling or anything, I can feel some soreness in my arms and back (I am not used to holding my arms up so much anymore...) This just makes me feel even better about my decision.

So I am glad I went to the crappy class! It showed me what I didn't want and set me towards pursuing what I DID want. And I guess that alone was worth the $10.

Unknown

So, I have set myself a goal to lose 15 lbs by the time we go to the beach. It is a bit optimistic, but not entirely out of reach and something good to strive for. Like when I think I would really like to have delicious fried chicken (MMMmmmm) I just remember that I have this little goal. It helps me stay focused. Now, will my body cooperate? It is hard to say. Sometimes I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I might do everything I am supposed to and stay on plan, but get smacked in the face with gaining or maintaining my weight. My waist is shrinking though and my clothes are fitting better. I guess this is a better gauge.

Anyway, I know I need to start exercising. I did have the goal of running the 5k this year, even if it is all by my own self, but my adventure in running lasted about two sessions before being unable to walk for 3 weeks due to debilitating knee pain. I feel like it was too much stress on my joints and starting with something too difficult too soon. I used to take dance classes before I got pregnant and really loved them. They gave me a sense of peace and well being. Like, when I walked into the studio, everything fell away. I didn't have to worry or stress about the outside world. The entire world was in that room and all I had to do was follow the instructor. Someone else was the boss. I could be the follower.

Unfortunately, my instructor moved away. I had fully intended on returning to classes after Scooter was a bit more self-sufficient (read: not nursing every 5 minutes), but this didn't work out. Now I am looking at some fitness classes locally which are pretty inexpensive. But I am terrified of going. Mostly because I don't know what is going to happen. How do I register? How do I pay? Do I go in 15 minutes in advance? What if there is another class going on then and I interrupt? Will they have a receptionist? How formal is this? What if the gym is a bad fit for me? Should I not be spending this money on myself? What if no one else shows up for the class but me? What if the class is so full I can't move? What do I wear? What if the kids need me? What if....what if...

I hate to admit that sometimes I am paralyzed by fear. Most times I can just power through, pretending to feel confident when I don't. Fake it 'till you make it, right? I think having control issues both hinders and helps. I am scared because I don't know what is going to happen and therefore have no control. But I get through it because I figure I can control my own reactions to whatever happens.

So, I am going to bite the bullet and go to the class tomorrow. I can do this. I can do anything, right? Right.

Plus!

There is so much negativity in the universe sometimes. I freaking hate the news, but I have this job thing? That requires me to read the news. Not only the "news" but the worst of the worst news. And then I stupidly involve myself with politics and that sends my blood pressure skyrocketing. So! I am going to make a list of pluses. To cheer myself and serve as a reminder that there is some good in the world:

• Honey stopped by on his lunch hour to bring me an unsweetened tea. Seeing him in the middle of the day hasn't been possible because he worked over an hour away. With this local job, I can see him more often without screaming monkey children clawing at our legs and demanding fruit roll-ups. Plus!
• I scheduled our beachy weekend for late this summer, actually after school starts. (You know what my August looks like...) It is a 4 bedroom condo and my parents will be coming, so we can probably have a date night. Plus we will all get our own bedrooms and naptime will be simpler this way. Plus!
• We have put ourselves back on a financial diet and will have the first credit card payed off (and locked away) next week. Plus!
• Speaking of diets, WWs is going well for me. I cancelled my meeting subscription thingy to just do the online portion. It is so much cheaper AND I don't have to take time to go to a meeting AND I don't have to step on their scale. Plus! Plus! Plus!
• Five people complimented me on my shirt today. Plus!
• I got to sleep in a bit this morning. Plus!
• Brother will get to go on a trip with my parents this summer and is going to stop in the mountains, where he has never been before. I am excited for him to see this kind of country and maybe get to tour some caverns. Plus!
• I got to to take Jelly to see Cars 2 last weekend on a little date all by ourselves. Plus!
• Scooter loves me more than any other person on the planet loves me. When he sees me, he lunges and flaps his arms like if he doesn't get me right that second, he just might die. Or scream really loud. Not always a Plus! but I am currently cherishing this.
• I have a job that lets me stop reading the gawd-awful news twice a day to watch Scrubs and make milk for my little baby. Plus!
• I have a job that lets me come in late because I overslept with basically no comment at all. Plus!
• I have a job that lets me help people who really need help. Sometimes I am great at it. Plus.
• I have a diet that lets me eat dessert. Hello chocolate chip cookies and cake and ice cream. Plus!
• I have a husband who listens to me and tries to make me happy. (A daunting task, I tell you.) Plus.
• I have this little space on the internet that lets me talk to you. Plus!

Plus!

August Fret

I know it is July 1st, but I am already fretting about August. August is going to be mad. We have the dual birthday party, smash cake/family photo session, the beginning of school, our anniversary, my parents' anniversary, and...I am going crazy just trying to remember everything I have to do. Our weekends are so booked, Honey and I are going to celebrate our anniversary a month early. Sheesh.

The baby will be one at the end of the month. I look at the pictures of everyone's new little babies and it just breaks my heart. I can't bring myself to get rid of the bassinet. No more babies. And honest to goodness, I really don't want another kid. And obviously, I don't want Baby Scooter to quit growing and learning and doing new things. (While he is still combat crawling for the most part - perhaps because we have hardwood flooring - he IS pulling up on everything and may take his first step this month.) But I do wish I could live this last year over again and try to remember more and enjoy more.

I am not moping about too much though. I am busily getting ready for the dual birthday party. I ordered Scooter's smash cake outfit and also matching shirts for him and Jelly to wear to their party. I also ordered custom invites/thank you cards, which I get to print. Placing big custom orders on etsy makes me happy. I was going to do a big themed birthday, but then really took a look at what I was talking about: a whole hell of a lot of work. So I am doing a "Birthday Party" themed birthday. How's that for originality? We are going to have bright colored balloons and streamers. I have a friend who has some handmade carnival type games she is letting us borrow, things like tossing bean bags into buckets and knocking down cans with baseballs. Plus I am going to rent some sort of water slide/bounce house contraption. I am going to get plates and stuff for the cake at the dollar store and probably some other stuff from Sam's. I still haven't decided on food though. Any suggestions for gobs of people?

It is going to be good, I hope. Wish I could get someone to clean my house though...