So, Anyway

We have a pretty busy weekend ahead of us.

We are celebrating Brother's birthday with a mix of friends, pizza, and laser tag. I have never played laser tag. I can bet you that will still be true on Monday.

Later on this weekend, we have another birthday party to attend. One for which I have not bought an adequate present.

Other things I have not bought:

• Snacks for Brother's class tomorrow.
• Any sort of Valentine's Day present for those I love, even though I really really want to.
• Milk. And we really need milk.

This is the banality of everyday life. I can't get excited about it. Everything looks foggy in the afternoons to me. I can't figure out how to not be tired. I tried going to bed super early last night, and due to my lack of consciousness from the hours of 8 PM to 6:30 AM, all hell broke loose. There were many tears: mine and the children's. And dinner was not put away and homework was not done and general terror reigned. That last part can be chalked up to hormones. And I am still really tired. So, anyway. Lessons learned. I am a little worried about what the world will look like when we have three kids. Right now our parenting strategy is pretty much divide and conquer. This works well for us because a) we have two kids and b) they are pretty far apart in age. But what do you do when you have a 9-year-old, a 4-year-old, and a newborn?

Hope the newborn likes the sling, I guess. Nurse while correcting spelling homework. Figure it out in other words.

Whoo!

Last week I was sick sick sick. Not morning sickness, sick. But like real live infested with viruses and bacteria and someone please oh please save me sick.

That kind of sick.

But! Now I am very much better after a trip to the urgent care center and shots and antibiotics and steroids and painkillers....ahhhhh. I am filled with joie de vivre and wonder at the beauty of the world without sickness in it.

Obviously, am not 'good' at being sick.

The fun news is that I had my ultrasound last week and LOOK! There is a wee little baby in my tum! And it is teensy and cute and I saw little fingers and toes and thigh bones and a perfectly shaped little round head. And eyes! And a nose! And a mouth! And a tiny little heartbeat at 163 beats per minute! Miracle of Miracles. Apparently, I am not gestating a bunch of grapes that made me inexplicably nauseous and gave me super-human scent sensing power. There is a real live tiny person in there.

Wow.

Know what else is so good? Food. I feel like at long last, I may have returned to the land of the eaters. And there are Fritos! Who knew Fritos were so good? And ripe ripe pears. Oh my yum. I am currently eating a chocolate bar that is bigger than my hand (note: I do not have small hands.)

Anyway, I am feeling great today. Did you notice?

Melancholy-ish

Jelly Bean is being really cute lately. (You know, aside from thinking our bed is a good place to spend the night and screaming holy-bloody-murder when it is bedtime.)

I am particularly enjoying how he asks me if things have peanuts in them. We have a book that talks about food allergies that we read together a lot. I feel this line of conversation/discussion is important because I want him to feel comfortable talking about his allergy and I want him to talk to other people about his allergy. I like how he asks, "Do pears have peanuts? Do crocodiles have peanuts?" He probably hears me ask restaurants, bakeries, grocery store folks all the time about whether things have nuts in them.

We did have a close situation where we were at an open market and they had some cookies for sale on the counter. I like to support small local businesses and the cookies looked yummy, so I asked the clerk (since there was no labeling) whether the cookies contained nuts. She said no and I bought some. We got in the car and I handed a cookie to Honey and to myself first. We bit into them and at first glance, no nuts. So I gave Brother and Jelly both a cookie. Brother bit into his and yelled. It was full of walnuts. So I hurriedly snatched Jelly's cookie away and they all went in the trash.

I felt a little foolish, but we are still learning how to deal with this thing, how strict we have to be. Apparently, stricter than we are. But Jelly was fine and very proud of himself that he didn't bite the cookie. Thinking back, I am so relieved. At best, it would have landed us in the Emergency Room had things turned out differently. I won't lie. Recent research published on FAAN has shown that some kids (around 20%) with peanut allergies grow out of them. I feel like this is a long shot, but I do hold onto a thread of hope.

~~~~~~

Brother is growing up. He is so tall. It seems like the past 9 years have flew by so quickly. Now it is spelling tests, scooter rides, and Lego's. In another 9 years? College, friends, adulthood. God, now isn't that enough to bring you to your knees? The fleetness of life.

But 9 is not too old still. I leaned over him and gave him a hug this morning while he was drinking milk and eating mini powdered donuts before getting on the bus. I asked him if he felt like I hugged him enough. I had been worried the night before that I hadn't been paying him enough attention with feeling sick and taking care of things that can't be put off until I feel better. But he said yes, that I hug him enough. I tell him that he is special. Because before Honey, before Jelly, it was Brother and me. We were the beginning of our family, long before marriage and daddies and little brothers. I want him to feel the specialness of that and to save it up for times when he feels strange because he might look different from his siblings because of his skin tone and dark hair; because of the hints of Asia that are in his face, while Jelly looks just like Honey with a mop of blond hair.

Whenever either of the children want something that I am not willing to give: time, loss of comfort, action, I remember this: there is a limited number of times he will ask me to read to him. There is a limited number of times I will get to make the dinner he wants. There are only so many nights in our precious lives to tuck him in.

So, I just try to remember.

Advice

So. Guys.

This is it. My last rodeo. This little lime sized being in my abdomen (which is starting to protrude, so either I am *popping* a bit or need to lay off the nachos...) is the very last. I feel really sure of this (right now.) Anyway, there are some things I want to do.

First order of business? I am not having any kind of baby shower. For both my boys, there was much generosity among my small circle of friends and family and I never really got to go out and hand select anything for them. While I am not going to turn down baby gifts (as if!) I do want the freedom to go choose a good bit of things myself.

We went lurking in the attic and found all the things we had put back after having Jelly Bean, so there is very little we are going to need to buy in the way of gear. We have bassinet, Bjorn, swing, bouncy seat, etc. And last time we went to Disney, we got a nice umbrella-type stroller for Jelly Bean, so we have that as well for the new wee one. What I wanted to ask YOU about was slings. I have always wanted one, every since I was pregnant with Brother a decade (!!!) ago. But I have no idea how to navigate the sling world. Did any of you use one? Which do you like? Are they hard to use? I really think I want one. I want to be a babywearing earthy crunchy mama. At least a little.

Another thing I want to get is one of those baby straight jacket...er...special swaddling blankets. Did you have one of those? What kind? Do you like it? Am I better off with just receiving blankets?

Make sure to tell me if there was anything that you had wanted that you didn't get as well. Like I said, this is my last time. I don't want to miss a thing.

Sorry

So, are you tired yet of hearing of my early pregnancy woes? Then I suggest you mosey along, because here I go again.

Instant messages sent to Boss:

Ug.

I know why you always forget how awful you feel during the first trimester. It is evolutionary necessary, lest the species no longer exist.

I may lie down on the floor. Don't be alarmed if you see me in a heap.

I am still considering lying on the floor. Wondering if my exhaustion/nausea overpowers the whole "man, that floor is dirty" issue.

I have a meeting tomorrow far far away in a little podunk town. They will give me a lunch meat sandwich for lunch. What are my risks for toxoplasmosis? Let's ask Dr. Google. Prognosis: Death and Destruction. I think I will bring a SunButter and Jelly as a backup.

Additionally in this whiny disjointed post, it is National Delurking Day or some crap like that. And while I wouldn't mind a feeble waggle of the fingers from the comment section, I understand if you want to stay hidden. I lurk a bit myself.

I hope you all feel much much better than I do!

/whinebitchmoan

Oops

So, I lied.

But it wasn't intentional! Really!

See, I get a call on Friday at my house...because we were all home because it was 19* outside. (Really, not that bad. But I can understand a little not wanting to make kids go out into that kind of cold because I know WE don't have the outerwear necessary for that kind of temperature. And I am not looking a gift day off in the mouth...or something.) Anyway, I get a call from the ultrasound place that the doctor's office is sending me to, rather than doing it in the office...and they say:

"Blah blah, deductible, blah blah insurance, blah blah 20%, Gimme $642.83 today, please?"

I said, "Say wha?" And then called the OB office and told them, "Um, no." So we cancelled the ultrasound at crazy hospital place and rescheduled it for a later date in the OB office so that I don't have to pay ungodly amounts of money...at least right now.

So! I lied! I got all of your hopes up and everyone (you know, including me) wants to know everything is ok and I simply can't tell you that. Because I don't know. Because of blah blah gimme yo' money.

But I am really ok with that. I am getting pretty zen about the whole thing. There is nothing to do that is not being done. There is nothing to do but experience the 'right now'. And the 'right now' is getting better. I don't feel so sick all the time. I can feel the first trimester, with its heaps of yuckiness, fading. And this can be nothing but good.

Today

Good News! Today, at least, along with big chunks of yesterday (although, not all) I am feeling pretty good. I can eat and not wish I hadn't. I am tired, but I think that has a good bit to do with dreary cold rainy weather. Yesterday, I even danced around with my kids while we watched Here Comes Science, which was a Swistle Christmas gift recommendation...Thanks Swistle! And tonight, we are ordering Pizza because it is a school fundraiser night and Brother got a coupon for a free confection from the pizza place. I forgot to let him use the coupon for the free confection he got for Halloween and he has never let me forget it. (It was only good for one whole day. Dude. That is kind of a crappy coupon, yes? Order pizza on this one and only holiday, which you are not going to be home for anyway, or your kid will whine for the next 4 months about how he didn't get a chocolate lava cake!) So I am hoping to make it up to him. And make the whining stop. I am only slightly worried that said confection should have nuts somewhere in its composition. Only slightly. I will ask to be sure.

Tomorrow I have an ultrasound, just for the hell of it, I think. I can't figure out why they want to have one now and then one at 20 weeks and then another one near the end, when last time, their policy was very European-healthy-pregnancies-don't-neeeeeeed-any-ultrasounds-blah-blah-blah. I personally like being able to peek and make sure everything looks ok in there, so I am not really complaining.

I really will feel better after tomorrow and we get to see the wee little thing flapping around in there. Maybe it will help make it real in a way that the yuckiness of the first trimester didn't. This just in...Honey called and the schools for miles around are cancelled tomorrow due to cold. Weird, right? Let's just hope they don't close the hospital as well or there will be no peeking.

It's...a list!

• I'm making tea. A gingery cinnamon tea that is yummy and helps setting my stomach a bit. For some reason it bothers me that it is considered a 'holiday tea' when the holidays are over.
• December went super fast for me. I'm actually glad.
• Brother asked me just last week when Christmas was coming again. Kids. Go figure. A month of holiday hoop-la just isn't enough for them.
• We have one last holiday holdout get-together this weekend. On the plus side, I don't have to bring any food-type things. On the negative, it will take an hour to drive there. And I have to wrap presents. Blah.
• I swear cold weather makes me sick. I get these violent long lasting shivers, which seem to churn the contents of my stomach and make me want to...well, you know.
• I am wearing new maternity clothes today. I don't need to, but the top is really cute and everyone is wearing tunic-like flowing things, so I don't look out of place. I think.
• Jelly Bean is having potty issues. He has been potty trained for around 9 months with no real problems, but has just now decided that this is for the birds and he will now commence to making me do ungodly amounts of laundry. I bribed him with cookies yesterday. It worked. But now, we are out of cookies.
• Brother is having homework issues. He had to do 20 math problems and write 15 spelling words 3 times each last night. It took him 2.5 hours. A good bit of berating on my part occurred, however, I do not think it extended or shortened the homework time.
• My husband is going on a business trip in February, just in time to throw all my my Valentine's plans in the pooper. Darn job.
• I wouldn't be terribly surprised if he decides to not board the plane to come home if I don't start being nicer to him. But I got him a nice birthday present. And I am hoping that my bad attitude will fade with the first trimester.

Husbandry

I have noticed a trend on Facebook where all these women I know say, "I have the best husband in the world!" This makes me wonder.

What did he do? Was it expensive jewelry that caused such a statement? A trip to Jamaica? Or maybe perhaps simply doing the dishes? It does set one to pondering what makes THE BEST husband in the world. By definition, there can only be one best and everyone can't have the best husband in the world. What are her standards? Because, look. I know some of these guys and you couldn't pay me to ride in a car with them, let alone being in a committed relationship with them.

Is he really better than *my* husband, who I think it truly exceptional? My sweet husband who graciously deals with my neuroses and still actually loves my bitching-whining-moaning self? Who will lets me fall asleep at barely 7:45 in the evening (thereby abandoning him to the children at their neediest) after bringing me Tylenol with ice water and filling my humidifier. Who puts lotion on my feet while I whine at him about how he doesn't love me? (Ok, not proud about that.) And is entirely supportive and helpful and hides any resentment that he feels, if he does actually feel resentment? Plus, he does dishes and takes out trash without prompting.

What? You think YOUR husband is better than mine? Well. Frankly, I'm sure you do. While I feel compelled to say "relationships are not in a contest with one another" and "there is no comparing such things, really," arguments spring to my head. Really, a man who is abusive is not as good of a husband as one who is not. But I am sure that somewhere out there, there is someone who would argue with me on that. A husband who has a picture of a bikini clad 18-year-old on his cell phone instead of the beautiful woman he married or their lovely family they made together? Perhaps this is only a demerit to a selection of the population. What about the husband who is never around, but still provides a good life for his family financially? Hallmark tells us he is a worse husband than the husband who is around a lot, but whose family is not as well off. But if taken a step further, is the never-around-rich man a better husband than the always-around-slacker man whose family feels real need?

Anyway, I am just thinking. This is rambling and teetering on judgemental. Unlike my first few years of marriage where I felt my husband walked on water and had no faults to speak of, I can actually name a few now. (Dinner does not always get put away and is occasionally left to rot on the stove. Prompting is usually needed for lawn mowing.) But these are so minimal, really, in my mind. I guess to some people, though, these would be just unforgivable.

It's possible.