Why, you ask? I will tell you why... Although I fear some of you will be desperately disappointed in me, it is not some magical tragedy or anything. "Simple Math, Eddie Bondo." (Name that book.)
Let me preface with this, we have cut and cut and cut expenses. We have given up much frivolous activities like movies and eating out. We just don't do those things anymore. I have cut the phone bill and electric bill and cell phone bills by about 2/3. It is a great accomplishment, really. I am proud of us. But even with all of these things, if I didn't have my job, we would still be out of money before we even got around to buying groceries or diapers or gas. This is of course, subtracting all the expenses we have that is specifically related to my job, like daycare and extra gas and suitable work attire, etc. Not having my job means no Christmas gifts, no clothing for anyone, no birthday parties, no playhouse Brother so desperately wants, no nothing. And although it seems horrible to me that I would put wants in front of being with my kids, I am starting to see it in a new light.
It is not only the wants we would have to sacrifice, it is the needs as well. Because, don't we all need experiences? To see new places and do new things. To learn. To feel as if, through our labor, we are building a better life for ourselves and our children. I can't expect Honey to get the kind of raise we would need to live comfortably, without wanting for basic items. I don't want him switching jobs either because the company he is with is really stable and the economy just isn't doing all that great. I can't work part time, because, after I did the math, I wouldn't even be bringing home minimum wage a month for 20 hours a week of work. Not worth it and we would still be wanting for all of those little things that makes life worthwhile. In short, we would just not have enough to make the house note and buy food, insurance, and all the other stuff that needs paying for. I didn't want to believe it. I wanted 'them' to be lying. But it is true. Most families just can't make it on one salary.
I am making my peace with this fact.
I have been mentally preparing for 9 months to have a life without summer trips to the beach, without getting my hair cut by the stylist I like, and without my children being able to participate in any sort of activity that requires money of any sort. (This is the part where Misty is trying to convince herself.) But even with all of this sacrifice, it is not possible. And really, is all this sacrifice worth it? Do I want my kids to grow up with not enough money to learn to play the piano? Do I want them to not be able to see different places and experience different things just so I can fulfill a dream of mine that may or may not make their lives better in any way? I am getting to the point where 'no' is the answer.
But here is the perk. The silver lining, if you will. I have a good job that I like. I have excellent leave policies and bucket loads of time off. I have a extremely flexible schedule and a boss I love. I am pleased with my salary level and have even lobbied against raises. (WhatWHATwhat??? Yes, I am crazy.)
I will just have to keep at the job. This idea is changing how I think. It is changing, right now in my head while I am writing this. How I think about the budget. How I think about what we are saving for. More than anything else I want to stay home for at least one whole summer with my kids. But maybe I will get to that point one day where I will have the leave to do so. In so many ways, the idea that every red cent we make doesn't have to be spent in a mad dash to pay off all debts is really freeing. I have also learned an important lesson about how lucky we are.
Don't get me wrong. I am still sad. Truly, my heart is broken. I will still shed tears over this. I am learning that when a dream dies, it is a painful loss. I will mourn. I will not get over it today, or tomorrow, or next year. I will get angry that I really have little choice in the matter. But I will make my peace and I will get up and put on my big girl panties and find the silver lining. That is what grown-ups do. And who knows, this degree of change may make our lives better in the end.
5 comments:
My heart is broken for you. It's a hard thing to release a dream for something as mundane as practicality.
Life is expensive, especially when you have hopes and dreams for your children that include things like travel, activities, the arts and higher education. I don't think it's at all frivolous to want those things for your children. Based on what you have written, I see working as your sacrifice: you want to be home, but you're giving up your dream for them.
A whole summer off sounds like a great goal. It sounds like you have a great employer that might just help you with that.
It sounds like you are doing what's best for your family, and isn't that all anyone can do?
I'm sorry you're feeling sad about it, but it truly sounds like you like your job and your kids are happy and healthy and that's all that matters!
I so know exactly how you feel. I have been desperate to be a SAHM since my first was born, but I am our primary income earner (why did I do this to myself). I would torment myself saying that if things were different, is we only had enough money, I could stay home. I resented my work. I stayed home for a whole year with my 1st child and almost bankrupted my family. The second child I went back to work after 5 months but was depressed about it for ages. Recently (like in the last few months) I decided I had to give up my dream, I will just never stay home. And you know, I was sad, am sad about it but I also found it freeing. I am looking at things differently now, my ultimate goal is no longer, stay home with the kids. I can branch out, see things from a different point of view. I hadn't expected that. I am getting still used to it.
Though it is sad to realize that you just can’t do it, I love your thought process. You want your kids to have fun…to be able to do things. What good is staying home with them if you can’t afford to ever do anything? And you’re right—you are lucky to have an amazing flexible job and a great boss. Plus, knowing what you do for a living, you are making a difference.
So there you have it. No more wanna-be supermama. You’re it babe. Working or no, you’re it.
You know, I feel the same way. I wish I could stay home with my darling son. I feel guilty about every hour spent at work instead of at home with him.
I hate that I only see him for 3-4 hours a day.
But it is the only way that our household can function. And I have lots of time off so there are days that we can have together.
I'm hoping that one day I can cut my working hours to 7 hrs a day because just one more hour would make a huge difference.
But to have enough money to stay home permanently - I sometime fantasize about that. But I think it would require a big lottery win.
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