Do you ever feel like you are still figuring out who you are? Like there are still a million choices to be made and every day you have to decide who you will be? Or do you feel like your life has flown by and all the important decisions have already been irreparably made and no matter what you do, you will always be the way you are. Ug.
I feel both ways.
Sometimes I feel like I have to choose. I have to make a decision about what I want to be and the interests I want to have. It is all about resource allocation. I only have so much time/energy/money. What do I spend it on? Do I want dance classes or voice lessons or paint for Brother's room? Do I want moss to make terrariums like they have on etsy or do I want to buy soft drinks? Do I want to buy more bagged dirt or hire someone to bring it to the house? Should I go buy the kids more shoes because theirs are worn? Or should I wait because the second I go buy new shoes, their feet will have grown and they won't fit? Do I want to make pasta or rice with dinner? Do I want to read that novel or learn Spanish? Do I want to be a mother of two or a mother of three? Should I go to the grocery store or the pet store? Do I want fries with that?
At the same time, I feel like every minute is ticking by filled with indecision and loss. Loss of my younger years and all of the choices I could have made, but didn't for some reason. Loss of my children's babyhood. Loss of my figure. Loss of spontaneity. Like I can never go back and live in my parent's house and feel that weightlessness of irresponsibility. I won't ever feel the pangs of freshly found love. I won't ever again hold a new baby to my breast and know it is mine. I won't ever again savor a Chicken Monterrey Ranch sandwich from Wendy's.
Today, I wonder if I will ever know "who I am." How do you figure out such a stable thing in such a tumultuous life, where every decision you make reflects your goals and values? Don't we grow and change everyday, just trying to choose the best course on this all too brief journey? Right now, I feel as if the world is full of infinite possibilities and at the same time is full of infinite "ways it could have been." And it is not a melancholy feeling, because I have made some good choices and the possibilities for the future shine much more brightly than the paths I didn't choose.
6 comments:
I find it helpful to imagine that Paul might die young and I really MIGHT get back on the dating scene and even re-marry, and maybe I would even have another child with someone else if this all happened pretty quick. The unpleasant shudder I get at that idea usually helps me out a little.
Ha ha: never again the Wendy's chicken sandwich!
I think that's the way life is and you described it so well! Always so many paths to choose or pass by.
This time of year always makes me feel this way. You articulate it perfectly.
I feel this way a lot. I get all high on life and love it and then I get all depressed and want a change. UGH.
Do they not make the chicken sandwich anymore?
This is a really thought povoking post. Growing up I always had a positive hopeful attitude, even in the roughest of times. That's not to say I didn't cry a lot or have bad days, I had many. But I always thought "Things will get better, I won't have to go to high school forever, or I won't have to be around my crazy parents forever" Now that I am older, I still think positive, but have a difficult time admitting that the future isn't as long as it used to be.
I like where I am and who I am but I still have dreams, like finishing my novel and maybe writing another. If I had the time, right.
I often think back to what my parents were doing at my age and think they were so much more on the ball than I am. I still feel young, like I've got time to figure the big stuff out. Except, I'm not really that young. Sigh.
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