The skies are so sun shiny today, but yesterday, even though the weather was comparable, it felt dark and black. Work has been so hard lately. So demanding and stressful. The things I used to love about my job (relaxed atmosphere, doing what I loved to do in my own field, etc.) seem to have fallen by the wayside somehow.
Now, I just want those things back.
Bad days like that just make me look forward to the time when I will be able to quit and stay home with the kids. Will this day ever actually come? This is up for debate. But bad days strengthen my resolve to make sure that the day has every opportunity to present itself because I did everything in my power to bring it about. (Well, let's not go crazy. I could sell the house and live in a tent...THEN we would have less bills.)
As I was leaving Girl Friday told me to leave work at the door and just go get the kids and not worry about all of the monumental bull crap I have been dealing with. And I took her advice...a little. I tried really hard to leave it at the door. But then I went and got Jelly from the daycare. And the teachers were trying to get him to say, "I Love You" for me. Because he will tell the daycare workers that he loves them, but he has never said it to me. Nor would he. They hear him say this, his first sentence (and an important one at that), sing the Elmo theme song, and watch him grow and play and develop right in front of their eyes every day. They get these wondrous privileges PLUS I pay them. For what? So I can go to work and be miserable doing things that make Hercules' tasks look like a walk in the sun. Needless to say, I had a hard time leaving this idea at the door.
Yes, if I ever quit my job, I worry that I will regret it. I have a great job, really. But. BUT. I already regret missing every one of Jelly Bean's firsts. First step. First word. First sentence. I already regret not being able to have Brother get off the bus at his house and having to spend summers locked in a facility with too much TV and yelling. How does money compare to the desires of your heart?
3 comments:
Oh Misty. You are struggling, I can tell. I struggle with the same things.
I can often be heard saying "it's not fair that they (childcare providers) get them at their best and I pay them for the priviledge."
But working isn't just about affording to buy stuff, not for me anyway. It's about contributing, about using the education I've invested in to its fullest. And, it's about still having something that's mine when the kids don't need me as much anymore. It's hard to know what is right path.
I always think my life would be perfect if I could work 3 days a week and be home 4 days a week. Unfortunately, I don't have that kind of job. Would that be an option for you? You know, kind of ease into the stay at home thing?
I too struggle with this. I love that I work; I don't think that I could be the same person, and not work. I love being important and good at what I do, but I also love being a Mommy. So where is the happy medium?
What's bad is that now, Hub spends a lot of time with the kids as they are home 2 days a week with him. And he will spend even more time with our Bean because she (I SAID SHE!!) will be home full time until ED goes to kindergarten. I am way more jealous of him than i was with any of the daycare folk.
Hugs to you....It sucks, this I know.
Oh Misty. I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I hope you're able to find some solution that makes you happy.
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