Sleepless

I *obviously* am having problems sleeping. Too many yucky things going on inside my head.

So, I need some advice. About asking for stuff. I have this horrible horrible problem about asking for stuff in that if I ask for someone to do something for me, and they do it, that is really great. But if someone knew what I needed before I asked for it, and was therefore anticipating my needs, well, that takes the cake. Like if I have to say: Go buy me a Valentine for Valentine's Day, it is kinda moot because I TOLD you to do it. In the same breath, place any less obvious example in there and it is easy to understand that I am actually asking someone to read my mind. Do I know this is unfair? Yep.

Does anyone else do this? Or am I the only crackpot in the room?

But when I, for instance, ask Honey to do the dishes and he does them, yes, the dishes get done and I am grateful for the action and clean kitchen but I also feel like I am bossing him around. I tend to have a pretty domineering personality and Honey is more chill, more passive than me. And I have gotten comments from folks who seem to care about me that sound a little like: "Hmm, does Honey ever stick up for himself? Do you ever do what he wants to do? Do you feel like he doesn't ever disagree with you just not to rock the boat?" Jeez, that people would even think that I basically don't allow my husband to be an adult or *gasp* even a human being with the ability to, um, make his own decisions, is incredibly hurtful. I personally believe we have a very respectful relationship where each party is really and truly equal. But then, knowing the way others might perceive our relationship creates this problem where I am afraid to ask him for things, because he wouldn't be doing them unless I asked for them, so isn't that almost the same as bossing him around. Is he now 'hen-pecked'? Am I the hen?

So, I have been working on trying to get over these couple issues that make it so hard for me to actually break down and ask for something and I have been making a bit of progress...but just a little. Not much. Really. And so I finally break down and ask for something. Once. Twice. Three times I express a need. And my need is going unmet. And I am heartbroken and starting to think that I don't deserve to get what I ask for. (Yes, I am being melodramatic, but it is 4 AM. Gimme a break.) Know what I want? To hear this: "I am not doing this because you are making me do it, but because I love you and I want to." And then commence to doing what I asked for.

In the end, I think that there is a line between what is reasonable to just be expected, i.e. Valentine on Valentine's Day, and what is not reasonable to be expected, i.e. anticipating what color of socks I want to wear next Tuesday. And while I asked for something I really don't think I should have had to ask for, I did ASK. That has to count for something, right?