We went to Honey's childhood town yesterday to visit with relatives and late in the day, my children were galloping and screaming across the golf-course quality grass in bare feet, climbing under azaleas as fat bumblebees swooped over our heads, too full of nectar to care about children hiding in the pink and purple and white skirts of the bushes. I got a few twiggy blueberry bushes to grow in my own yard. Granny's own blueberries in my yard. I am thrilled beyond words. Seeing the land in wild riotous blooms reminded me of last year, when we saw Granny for the last time before her sudden illness. I remember walking along with her and viewing the gargantuan bushes, her saying how glad she was that we could come while everything was dressed in its spring finest. My heart aches and my eyes swim.
Earlier in the day we were at Honey's brother's home and he and his wife have a yummy roly-poly little girl, just one-year-old. She is just breathtaking with her bird's wing hair and chubby thighs. *Sigh* I want a girl baby. And, three, count 'em three of my neighbors are all pregnant with girl babies. Two of them are due next month and I am just a bit melancholy about how I will never be mother of the bride. I will never be able to go to mother/daughter activities. I will never have a daughter to dress up or have cause to teach Honey how to braid long hair. I worry that when my sons grow up, I will lose them to their partner's families. It always seems like the daughters stay and maintain relationships with their families of origin, but the sons seem to mesh in with their partner's families. I know that is how it is with us. We see Honey's family, maybe 3 to 4 times a year. We see my parents every weekend.
I guess I am still adjusting to the self-inflicted 'no more babies' thing. Honey doesn't want anymore and I am at at the point where I just want to focus on the children I have and making their lives the very best I can. Still, I always thought I would have a little girl and dreams. God. They just die so hard, you know?
4 comments:
I love this post. *sniff*
I hear ya.
I'm so glad you got some of Granny's blueberry bushes. :)
You know, I know exactly how you feel. We have been "trying" for months now and I am still not preggy and every month that passes I wonder if I am doing the right thing by my family. Is this the right choice. I am not getting any younger that is for sure. HUGS
I think I would feel the same way. My aunt, who had three boys, delighted in doing my hair and taking me out to do girly things. Now, she has three lovely daughters-in-law and two granddaughters. You'll get your girls, it will just be later. :-)
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