Home Life

I stayed home yesterday as it was glorious Columbus! Day! and my office takes federal holidays? State holidays? Bank holidays? Meh, we get off every time someone somewhere declared it "Something Day." But I don't care. I stayed home with the kids. I kept Brother home from school...don't tell anyone.

I love these days when I am home with them on a weekday, hanging out in my jammies and reading stories. Deciding whose turn it is to watch Yo Gabba Gabba or Pokemon. Making breakfast and watching my boys sit down together to eat at the table. Hearing Brother yell, "HEY! He's stealing my cereal!" as Jelly Bean lays on the table, feet in the air, reaching to scarf Brother's food while Jelly's bowl lays unattended. It feels like these days are stolen out of time and are entirely too too precious. I am so much more patient on these sorts of days. I feel like there is some sanctity in them that can't be marred by shouting or fussing. Like, I am just so damn lucky to be here that I dare not take even one second for granted.

Like yesterday Brother pulled out his very loose front tooth. "Mom! You have to quite calling me 'Snaggletooth!" as blood drips down onto his shirt. And Jelly Bean was in the backyard beating up my bell pepper plants. And when I said, "Gentle!", he actually hugged the plant to say he was sorry. Sitting in this desk everyday causes me to miss so much and I feel it. I know what I am missing.

Honey gets upset sometimes to lament how we can't live on just one salary. Namely, his salary. He knows I want to stay home with the boys. But this is not the way it is. When he gets into these moods, I tell him this: YOU are not the provider for this family. WE are the providers for this family. We made this life together and it is a good life. We based this life around two incomes. Now we both have to work to pay these bills. There is nothing wrong with that. There is honor in getting up everyday and going to work to support my family. Sometimes I believe this more than others, but today I believe it wholeheartedly, albeit a little sadly.

The whole thing in a nutshell and why I am going on and on about is this: I am not sure this career move I have planned is going to work out. I am not sure I can fit into the new organizational culture or assume the role that I would be assigned. Therefore, having all that extra time off I was planning on is most likely not going to work out. And, as a librarian working full time, I won't find better hours and benefits than where I am right now. That being said, the third child I was absolutely sure I wanted? That sureness is fading. In a way, I feel like maybe it is time to consider that part of my life over and just focus on making a future for the kids I do have. Truthfully, I am not sure I am strong enough to go through it all over again. The handing over yet another one of my beautiful and precious children to be raised in a daycare.

So, that is what I am considering today and for the past few days. Life decisions. And a la Jess: What have you been thinking about lately? Help me fix my gaze somewhere other than my navel. :)