Yesterday, I was in an 8 hour training where I learned to do very! cool! things! on a computer. National Trainer. Seriously, one of the best I have ever seen. Of course, there is one caveat.
It was a law enforcement focused training, so I was in a room full of police officers from various venues. So, even though it was on a Bill-Gates-Type-Computer program, I still got to watch video of cops tazering an elder woman and a cop climbing onto a windshield and shooting 10 rounds into driver of a car, point blank. I think that, in general, society would agree that these acts are disturbing. But for me? I don't even watch Law & Order because it is too realistic. I don't watch R-rated movies. And I am particularly visually sensitive, so viewing these images were especially traumatic.
What was even more traumatic was the lack of reaction from those around me. Strike that. There was some reaction. It was laughter. Imagine sitting in a room with horror coursing through your veins and seeping into your flesh, while the woman next to you, who had just asked about your children, was laughing at the extreme suffering or death of another human being.
But I didn't really mean to write about this.
What I meant to write about was how I went to (believe it or not) an especially good, yet draining workshop. How I was so so tired and didn't want to do the 'second shift', i.e. go home, do homework with Brother, make dinner, take Jelly Bean "Ow-ti!" (read: outside). Well, be careful what you wish for...
When I got to the daycare, I was told to call Honey because his car broke down about an hour away. He thought he could manage it by calling a tow truck and renting a car, as he would need to get to work the next day as well. I fretted at home and bullied Brother into doing his homework immediately (NOT an easy task), threw some pop tarts and cereal at the kids, and fretted. Did I mention fretted? I was a complete mess. Yelling and freaking out and begging Brother to pleasepleasePLEASE write another sentence and telling Jelly Bean that I would NOT pick him up. The stress was stabbing me in the back. I felt like it had formed a steel loop around my chest that was being tightened in incremental notches. *Chink* *Chink* I could literally feel it.
In the end, we did have to pile in the car, after bedtime, and go after Honey to pick him up on the side of the interstate as there were no rental cars to be had. After we got home I folded clothes and sobbed. I really need to handle stress better is what I am trying to convey. It wasn't even big stress. I lash out at the kids. It all rolls down hill. It seems like the teeniest things are the very worse things in the universe. Like Brother having to do homework instead of playing with the neighbor's new puppies. Or the fact that there was clean laundry on my bed, waiting to be folded, so I couldn't lay down. And the bathroom counters need cleaned. Complete travesty, right?
So, what are your stress relief methods? I need a different outlook on life, I think. To become more zen or something. I am going to have a heart attack by the time I am 30. I really believe this.
4 comments:
Laughter is a disturbing response to those images. I remember the morning of 9/11 going to a student lounge with a TV. Amidst the shocked faces and a few tears, there were some young guys laughing and saying "cool!" as they replayed the footage of the plane crashing into the tower over and over again. How had they become so desensitized to the horror before them?
Anyway, school nights/mornings are hectic by nature, expecially if you work all day. For the kids, structure works best (e.g. first homework, then dinner, then video games if there's time). For me, I sometimes give myself a time-out by leaving the room to go and read or fold laundry BY MYSELF.
um, that would be *especially*. I can spell, really I can.
I would be very disturbed by people laughing at that.
Stress relief - breathe. Think before you act. count. (I also sometimes pray, though I realize this won't work for you.)
Step back. It's harder to do than it sounds, I know.
LoriD's right. Laughter IS a disturbing response. But I do think that law enforcement/military organizations specifically desensitize their members - how else can you get a human being to kill another human being?
My grandfather was in the army in WWII and he said it was the worst, most soul-killing experience...being in the army that is. He never even saw combat.
ANYWAY. I think your reaction to the stress at home is understandable. I find myself feeling completely overwhelmed by all my responsibilities, and it only takes the littlest thing to tip the balance.
And of course the kids, being the most defenseless (and also, not coincidentally, the most needy), usually bear the brunt.
Take heart in the fact that you are by no means alone! I agree with LoriD again...routine and schedules do WONDERS to keep the daily stressors at bay. It's just so darn stressful to make up a schedule and impose a routine!!!
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