The reason this has taken so long to get back with you all for your wonderful wonderful and generous advice (Thank you all SO much!) is that it took 3 days for me to get a hold of this woman. She was not returning my calls. Perhaps I should have just given up, but I wanted to make sure she heard what I had to say.
That sounds really dramatic, but this is what I decided. I told her that she and her children were more than welcome to come to the party, but due to budget restraints and my lack of self control with the guest list, I was going to ask her to take care of the $12 per child charge for four of the kids and I would, of course, take care of the child in Brother's class as well as extra charges for food, etc. I thought this was more than fair; I was really trying to meet her halfway. Then, in a less-than-kind tone of voice and without thanking me for my offer at all, she said, "Oh, well my son's birthday is the next day, so I am not sure we will be able to make it."
Thought: Hmmm, ok. Is the birth of one of your children something you didn't know before you called me?
So, I then offered that if all of the children wouldn't be able to make it or if she couldn't do the $12.00 a kid, then, if she was ok with it, I would be happy to keep an eye on her child so that this child could still come to the party. I have to stress how important she made coming to the party sound on the initial message. Saying things like: "I am a single mom and they never get to do this sort of thing because they are usually with their dad on visitation on the weekends. I will be happy to take care of any extra charges so they can come." See, to me, that says that this was important to her and her children and she was kind of alluding to deprivation of some sort maybe? I know how hard things can be for kids in this situation. I wanted to be amicable. So, instead of saying thank you to my offer or that she would consider it, she said, and I quote: "Oh GOD, I never just dump my kids and leave them anywhere!"
Thought: Um, I wasn't asking you to 'dump and leave' a child. I was offering to do you a favor. Which the proper response would have been: "Oh, that is so kind! Thank you for offering, but I am just not sure we will be able to make it" or "I appreciate that, but I am not sure I would be comfortable with that.
Note: I am a crazy paranoid mother myself and even with such an invitation would never ever ever leave my soon to be 7-year-old, even in a public place, even with a huge group of kids, with someone I didn't know. So I understood her sentiment, but she didn't have to be nasty about it.
So, I officially hate her.
I am still fantastically terrified of people just showing up with siblings to the party. Regardless of what the intentions of this mother was, my son's party has a really big and scary raincloud over it. If people bring extra children, I will have to confront them. I have no choice. I am the only left holding the bill at the end and where I come from, writing bad checks is generally frowned upon by law enforcement.
I wish that people who do this sort of thing might think about who they are doing it to... instead of just bringing their entire brood and foisting it on someone else to deal with. Even with offering to pay, it is really stressful. Imagine if someone brought 5 extra people to a dinner party you were having. Even though they are going to reimburse you for the food (Does that seem absurd to anyone else? You're having a dinner party that people are going to pay to come to? This is not a college kegger...) these are still extra people for you to entertain that were not invited. Or even, if they said, oh we are going to show up to your dinner party, but have our own picnic in your living room, so don't even mind us...wouldn't that be a little weird? My good manners would not allow me to exclude someone in this way. It would make me feel awful. Instead of thinking this is a flaw, I choose to think it is a proper attitude for when folks are your guests. Even if they don't want to be called your guests...
So, maybe I am selfish, but I would like my feelings to come into consideration at some point. And yes, I was brave and invited 30 kids to this party. The list got away from me a bit. But the different between 30 and 34 is almost a whole weeks worth of grocery money to me. It is the difference between choosing and being forced.
6 comments:
I’m sorry, but this woman, she’s an A-hole. She clearly has some issues. You handled it the exact right way, she just apparently has no manners.
I recently took ED to his friend’s birthday party, to which CA was not invited. Typically, because they are close in age, CA is included in these types of things, but in this case no. The parents were clear in saying to me, “which parent will accompany ED?” and “ok, we will see THE TWO OF YOU on Saturday.” Though it did break my heart to leave CA home, I totally understood. You budget so much, and why should you pay for a kid that your kid doesn’t even care about?
I really hope the party is smooth sailing for you. And if you need to channel my bitch ass hormones for a few hours, so that you don’t feel guilty, feel free.
Wait? First she offers to pay the extra amount, then gets all weird about it when you suggest just that? What a nutbar!
Not to mention, she could have easily called the place herself to ask what her options were for her other children and left you out of it altogether. I can understand her wanting to stick around for the invited kid and wanting to give her other kids a good time too, but that's HER thing, not yours.
You handled it well. If others do show up with siblings, just point out the area that has been set up for the invited kids and innocently ask where the non-invited kids (and parents) will be at the end of the party.
You handled it well, but she did not. Forget her and have fun at the party. :)
Misty, you did good. Don't even waste your energy hating her. She obviously has problems of her own.
I hope the party works out well, and that no one else decides to bring siblings. I really think that is quite tacky and rude, and you definitely have a right to speak up about it. Please DO NOT pay for someone you did not invite. Like you said, a few siblings could pay the grocery bill for a week.
Good luck and let us know how it went!
Heidi
Excellently done! A single mom with five kids obviously has a lot of stress to deal with, and it sounds like she either expected you to make it all better ("No, no, I'm happy to pay for your kids, too! Bring them along!") or just took it out on you. It's no good to say, "Don't let it bother you!" but at least be reassured you handled it just right.
I hope the party goes very well for you.
-- SJ
I think you handled this situation the best way possible! And I think this woman was hoping she and her kids could come at your expense. (Clearly this is what she thought since she "offered" to pay at first and then balked when you told her she could pay for her other kids. I think she "offered" to pay hoping that you would say, "You can all come and don't worry we will pay!")
Put this woman out of your mind and enjoy the party!
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