In case you were wondering...

I did get up the guts to try that aerobics-type-class on Wednesday...and basically everything I feared happened. At first, I had no idea if the class I wanted to attend had started, or if this was the previous class. The facility was in one room so I walked in on another class just by entering the building. The previous class ran over by 15 minutes, so my class started late. There was no receptionist or employee other than the instructor teaching the class currently. The class I walked in on was packed with people, but there ended up being only two people in the class I took: me and another lady in this HUGE room. (Gah). And the owner's children ran around behind us during the class. (Note: If my goal was exercising basically by myself with small children underfoot, I would have stayed at home and did a fitness tape.)

In the middle of the class, I knew I was never coming back. I was so so glad I insisted on paying the one time class fee (when an employee to pay actually showed up). The instructor was fine and complimentary, saying that I seemed very familiar with the dance steps even though it was my first time. (I used to hang out in Salsa clubs in my youth...) If there might have been 5 more people in the class, I might have come to a different conclusion. Maybe. One thing I didn't like was that I felt like the whole purpose of the class was simply to keep me moving for 45 minutes, which I could do with little difficulty. I barely broke a sweat and didn't need to shower when it was over. I missed my belly dancing class which I felt like taught me something to remember. That I could go the next week and say, "Look! I can do this now! Last week I couldn't, but I am getting better." Progression, if you will.

This less-than-positive experience had me start looking around for another real dance class. Lo and behold, a notice on FB stated my old dance instructor was coming back into town and was doing workshops. I went to one on Thursday night and I am so so glad I did. In a way, it felt like I had never left. I am a bit out of practice, but was able to hold my own despite not dancing for nearly 2 years. (Jeez, 2 years?!?) Anyway, one of the more advanced students is having classes once a week. I wrote her a check and am excited to go next week. Also, this morning, while I am not hobbling or anything, I can feel some soreness in my arms and back (I am not used to holding my arms up so much anymore...) This just makes me feel even better about my decision.

So I am glad I went to the crappy class! It showed me what I didn't want and set me towards pursuing what I DID want. And I guess that alone was worth the $10.

Unknown

So, I have set myself a goal to lose 15 lbs by the time we go to the beach. It is a bit optimistic, but not entirely out of reach and something good to strive for. Like when I think I would really like to have delicious fried chicken (MMMmmmm) I just remember that I have this little goal. It helps me stay focused. Now, will my body cooperate? It is hard to say. Sometimes I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I might do everything I am supposed to and stay on plan, but get smacked in the face with gaining or maintaining my weight. My waist is shrinking though and my clothes are fitting better. I guess this is a better gauge.

Anyway, I know I need to start exercising. I did have the goal of running the 5k this year, even if it is all by my own self, but my adventure in running lasted about two sessions before being unable to walk for 3 weeks due to debilitating knee pain. I feel like it was too much stress on my joints and starting with something too difficult too soon. I used to take dance classes before I got pregnant and really loved them. They gave me a sense of peace and well being. Like, when I walked into the studio, everything fell away. I didn't have to worry or stress about the outside world. The entire world was in that room and all I had to do was follow the instructor. Someone else was the boss. I could be the follower.

Unfortunately, my instructor moved away. I had fully intended on returning to classes after Scooter was a bit more self-sufficient (read: not nursing every 5 minutes), but this didn't work out. Now I am looking at some fitness classes locally which are pretty inexpensive. But I am terrified of going. Mostly because I don't know what is going to happen. How do I register? How do I pay? Do I go in 15 minutes in advance? What if there is another class going on then and I interrupt? Will they have a receptionist? How formal is this? What if the gym is a bad fit for me? Should I not be spending this money on myself? What if no one else shows up for the class but me? What if the class is so full I can't move? What do I wear? What if the kids need me? What if....what if...

I hate to admit that sometimes I am paralyzed by fear. Most times I can just power through, pretending to feel confident when I don't. Fake it 'till you make it, right? I think having control issues both hinders and helps. I am scared because I don't know what is going to happen and therefore have no control. But I get through it because I figure I can control my own reactions to whatever happens.

So, I am going to bite the bullet and go to the class tomorrow. I can do this. I can do anything, right? Right.

Plus!

There is so much negativity in the universe sometimes. I freaking hate the news, but I have this job thing? That requires me to read the news. Not only the "news" but the worst of the worst news. And then I stupidly involve myself with politics and that sends my blood pressure skyrocketing. So! I am going to make a list of pluses. To cheer myself and serve as a reminder that there is some good in the world:

• Honey stopped by on his lunch hour to bring me an unsweetened tea. Seeing him in the middle of the day hasn't been possible because he worked over an hour away. With this local job, I can see him more often without screaming monkey children clawing at our legs and demanding fruit roll-ups. Plus!
• I scheduled our beachy weekend for late this summer, actually after school starts. (You know what my August looks like...) It is a 4 bedroom condo and my parents will be coming, so we can probably have a date night. Plus we will all get our own bedrooms and naptime will be simpler this way. Plus!
• We have put ourselves back on a financial diet and will have the first credit card payed off (and locked away) next week. Plus!
• Speaking of diets, WWs is going well for me. I cancelled my meeting subscription thingy to just do the online portion. It is so much cheaper AND I don't have to take time to go to a meeting AND I don't have to step on their scale. Plus! Plus! Plus!
• Five people complimented me on my shirt today. Plus!
• I got to sleep in a bit this morning. Plus!
• Brother will get to go on a trip with my parents this summer and is going to stop in the mountains, where he has never been before. I am excited for him to see this kind of country and maybe get to tour some caverns. Plus!
• I got to to take Jelly to see Cars 2 last weekend on a little date all by ourselves. Plus!
• Scooter loves me more than any other person on the planet loves me. When he sees me, he lunges and flaps his arms like if he doesn't get me right that second, he just might die. Or scream really loud. Not always a Plus! but I am currently cherishing this.
• I have a job that lets me stop reading the gawd-awful news twice a day to watch Scrubs and make milk for my little baby. Plus!
• I have a job that lets me come in late because I overslept with basically no comment at all. Plus!
• I have a job that lets me help people who really need help. Sometimes I am great at it. Plus.
• I have a diet that lets me eat dessert. Hello chocolate chip cookies and cake and ice cream. Plus!
• I have a husband who listens to me and tries to make me happy. (A daunting task, I tell you.) Plus.
• I have this little space on the internet that lets me talk to you. Plus!

Plus!