Boobage

I would like to talk about my boobs. How they have somehow ended up right up under my throat and are attempting to murder me here at my desk. I bump into them and think Jesus Christ, how did those get there?

See, it all has to do with Weight Watchers, babies, and insanity.

I had gone on Weight Watchers. It was lovely. I lost maybe 15 lbs and felt like a brand new woman. All these clothes of mine! They fit! It was like a whole new wardrobe and I didn't even have to go shopping. Awesomeness. Except...the bras. I had lost weight...everywhere. And I could have shoplifted Mars bars out of the Circle K in the amount of room that was afforded. Then! All of a sudden! There was a wee babe in my tum and Weight Watchers gave me the old heave-ho. And I started gaining weight. And miraculously, the brassieres that were quite spacious now fit.

This is intrinsic to the Attack of the Killer Boobs story in that: usually during pregnancy, I have to buy new bras to accommodate growth, so I just buy nursing bras. It's a two-fer! But this last pregnancy, I did not buy nursing bras because all my other lovely bras still fit. And frankly, non-nursing bras make your clothes look so much nicer and my pregnant self needed all the help I could get.

So, right before a wee baby is to be born I look online, I pound the pavement, I try desperately to find a nursing bra that I maybe could wear. No one has my size or anything close to it and I am not about to lay down $30+ for something I can't try on. So, I ask a busty gal pal of mine what she did about nursing bras and she refers me to The Shop.

The Shop is in Fancyville. It is pricey. For your hard earned cash, they shut you in a little room with some lady you've never met and she picks bras out for you, adjusts them as necessary. Well, I got this really evil twiggy saleslady who hates fat chicks or something of that ilk. Because when she asked how old New Baby was and I told her 5 days, she was all, "Oh! I simply can't give you bigger than this size! You are going to lose all this weight in two weeks and then it won't fit!" I told her she was being a bit optimistic. When I also told her that her choices were really tight and uncomfortable, she said, "Well, you really have been lounging around a lot, haven't you?" Like, what is that supposed to mean? Just because I don't want be Chinese-Boob-Bound doesn't mean I spend my life in yoga pants eating bon bons. Anyway, I kept insisting on a bigger size and she kept upping the CUP size, but not the band. She even offered me a band extender because I was just going to drop 20 lbs in the next week! (Right...)

Anyway, I bought a bra that wasn't killing me that very second. Handed over $100 and went on my way. Needless to say, she forgot to give me an extender, I actually GAINED weight, and now have this medieval torture device full of pinching hooks and prongs that I simply hate. So, after enduring 7+ months of it, I noticed there were size appropriate nursing bras from the WalMart for $13.00. I bought two.

Now, I will admit. They are a bit snug in the cup. And while support is a great thing, I feel like it is a cross between the push-ups of my 20s and the torpedo bras of the 1950's. I feel like I could simply look down and face-plant into the girls. But these bras are better than the monstrosity I was wearing. Not perfect, but better.