What do I feel as I am sitting at my desk? The enormity of my double chin. The full round bulbous muffin top over my pants. Ug.
And I get so jealous of those women. Oh, you know the ones. The ones who eat whatever they want to and still don't shop at Lane Bryant. To quote a good friend, "I look at a cornflake and my ass starts to jiggle." I want to eat pizza, dammit. I like chocolate ice cream. However, I am stuck in the place where either I eat the delicious ribs and potato salad and move on, thereby suffering the tight-jeans-and-not-in-a-good-way-syndrome. OR I eat the delicious ribs and potato salad and worry about the amount of sugar in the sauce and the fat and carbs in the mayonnaise. Don't tell me not to eat the ribs and potato salad. That isn't an option.
60 pounds is what needs to go. My 7-year-old doesn't even weigh 60 pounds. It seems insurmountable, this pile of me. I just keep trying to chant inside my head "Eat Less, Move More. Eat Less, Move More. Just make better choices. Don't stress about it." But when I get home and deal with the screaming kids while I am starving myself, I will shove just about anything in my mouth to quit being hungry while I scramble to get food for them, I just don't seem to remember. (My god why WHY are they starving RIGHT when I walk in the door. Like that very second?) Talk about eating "less than mindfully." And when things finally quiet down and the baby is in bed, I sure as hell don't want to go outside into the heat to ride my bike or walk and be chewed up by mosquitoes. I am tired. I am still stressed out from the day. I want to sit and read a book and do nothing at all. Is that so wrong? Probably, since I am bitching about my weight.
The truth is that I really don't hate my body, I just hate not being able to fit into clothes. The truth is that I can't even imagine what I would look like if I was 60 pounds lighter, because in my head, I still have that 22 year old body. It is just the mirror and the pictures that are weighing me down.
3 comments:
It's easy to get obsessed about what you *should* look like vs what you *do* look like. If you like your body, why bother to try and lose 60 lbs? You just need to get some new clothes that fit that body.
If you don't like your body, then give yourself a break and figure out what it will really take to lose the weight. If the last time you were 60 lbs lighter was 5 years ago, don't give yourself 5 months to lose it... take it slow and just change things a little at a time.
Jeebus. I could have written this.
I could have,like devan, written this. I have about that much weight to lose since the birth of my son almost FIVE YEARS AGO!!!!
Sometimes I obsess about everything I put in my mouth and other days I am also too tired to worry about it.
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