Doer

Honey and I were at lunch yesterday in a cafe downtown. Across the street, there were bronzed blond little girls with the messy-yet-styled ponytails standing in front of a gym. I imagined what they were doing. Whether they would have fries with their wrap or if they just ate non-wrapped kelp. Then I said to Honey:

Do you ever wish you were fundamentally different? That you were a completely different person?

Of course, I got a questioning look and a request to elaborate. What I mean is, my idea of a good time is sitting in my recliner with a good book and happy, non-distracting children around me. I wouldn't go into a club to, say, do one of those spinning classes where the seat of the bike is literally shoved up your butt so far it makes muscles you didn't even know you had hurt. And spin and burn like 800 calories in one sitting? I would need hundreds of dollars of compensation to think that was a good idea. It is not my idea of fun. Like I love the idea of being an active person, a doer. But in reality I don't enjoy it. Similar to how I want to be a wine drinker, but hate the taste.

I am not a doer. I am a sit-er.

I have a friend who runs marathons. Who delivered plans for a child-sized picnic table to her husband before work and when she came home that evening, it was built from scratch and sitting in the backyard. I am constantly tired and can't even keep my house clean. I wish I were the kind of person who came home from work and tackled the list of things needing doing and enjoyed it. I know these people exist in the world. And I wish I were one of them.

I told this to a friend and she said: But you bake cupcakes with the kids and garden and have a composting system. You do things!

I guess it isn't that I don't do anything, it is that I want to do more, but feel like doing more is fundamentally at odds with my personality. And in some ways, I am ok with that. A small part of me thinks I may do things when I am older, when I have less people to take care of. More time to sleep. My house will be cleaner. My gardens will be better kept. My bedroom will have furniture. I will have time for hobbies. I will build my own damn picnic table, if that is what I choose. But the waiting? I wonder if it is a mistake, waiting for life to be the way I want it to be. What if all I have is this? Things never end up the way you think they will.

And yet, I would still probably choose to be in the chair reading a book.

Growing...

Gratutitous pictures of lovely boys...

(I'm pretty sure I told him he wasn't allowed to get this big...)
(Don't let the angelic face fool you...)

(So this is who ate all the left socks...)

This morning, I did something I have been trying to do for years. The situation is not completely ideal, but there are positives. I finally finally found a CSA to join. The less than ideal parts? It is not organic. But I am accepting this because a) it is the only CSA within 30 miles of my home and b) local produce has less pesticides used than produce shipped in to the stores. It was also more expensive than I would have liked, $25 a week. I am also looking forward to bringing my kids to the farm to show them where our vegetables will be grown. Really excited about that one. Do you know that I love farms? I do.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a farmer. I like the idea of fields and growing and canning and livestock. Would I like the actual experience of all that work? I gravitate towards "no." I feel tired constantly. Maybe if I didn't have a day job and we didn't live somewhere that it gets to be 100+ degrees in the summer. Maybe. I don't know how it would pan out in real life. I putter around in my own yard a bit, but the whole three-kids-husband-job-thing kind of gets in the way.

Do you know that I gave Jelly Bean his own garden this year? Mostly to keep him out of mine. He has all kinds of things growing in there. Radishes, beans, broccoli. It is all willy nilly. I try to teach him to weed, but it doesn't really seem to be sinking in. And he would still rather mess in my gardens than his own. Sigh.

Speaking of my garden, things aren't going fabulously at this point in time. I think this is because I tried to go the cheap route and didn't buy any topsoil to amend my clay with. Also, I did not put the compost in because, frankly, it is not done cooking yet. I was lazy about composting when I was pregnant and we also got rid of the bunnies (compost fodder making MACHINES). I should probably do something about this. But, am tired. See above.

Kinder

Kindergarten. It is time to start thinking about Jelly Bean and Kindergarten. (My baybeee...)

The thing is, I am not sure he is ready. He cries a lot. He still has toileting issues occasionally. He takes two hour naps still. His social skills leave a bit to be desired. He hits occasionally (mostly when he is too rambunctious playing.) Basically, the problem is that he is 4 and has his birthday before the cut off sometime in October, but not much before. He would start Kindergarten at 4.

In some ways, I think he could totally do it and succeed. I think academically he could handle the course work. I even think sitting still and paying attention might be ok. Kids are resilient, I tell myself. We are an incredibly adaptable species. He can already do worksheets with ease and pick out all his letters, after all! Right? Right?

I am trying to pick the situation with the least harm. Worst case scenario with both courses of action, which would be worse? Socially ostracised and having no confidence due to failure because he started too early? Or, boredom and under stimulation from starting too late.

My other worries are this: Peanut allergies and having to argue for my kid's safety and basically, not getting all the concessions I want because that is the way life works. And if we do decide to not put him in Kindergarten next year, do we allow him to languish at the sitter? She does projects and works with them every day, but it is just not a classroom setting. Do we try to find a pre-school? (Which, insert allergy issues here, also financial as pre-school is not free.) Do we take both new baby and Jelly out of the sitter? While it may not be my place, I worry about her dependence on us financially. I want to be responsible about that.

Have any of you faced this situation? Tell me, what would you do? What other questions should I be asking myself?