Like the waves

We just got back from a beachy vacation. A long weekend, really. The beach is one of my favorite places. I feel like listening to the waves feeds my soul in some way. This is the earliest in the year we have ever gone and it was different this time. Not so hot, which was good and not so good. The water was chillier and the overcast skies meant that emerald green water was missing. This was disappointing. But the sand was as white and sugary as ever and Jelly Bean was ecstatic, a huge change from the last time we brought him and he was terrified. Brother played in the waves and Honey and I built castles in the sand. Of course there was a bit of bickering and "I'm bored" and me feeling like I should have been more 'on' to make sure the children were having a Great! Time! But, Dude. This isn't Disney. We should relax a bit, yes? It really was a nice vacation. I think we were all sad to leave and fantasizing just a *little* bit about moving to be there all the time.

It was nice to spend every day, all day with my family. While I was glad to get back to work and my familiar routine, I do miss them all while they are off doing the things they do all day. Work. Study. Play. That coupled with the little baby rolling in my tum much like the waves of the Gulf are rekindling feelings that I wish I could stay at home. I remind myself that last summer when I used my leave and worked part-time it was HARD. It was difficult for me to be patient and deal with the kids in a loving, kind way all day with no breaks. Of course, cramming all my full time work into a part-time schedule was a bit nuts as well. Maybe someone is thinking, like I am thinking, that working part-time is still working? And not the same as staying home full time? Not the same, granted. But is it easier to be home all the time? I don't know. This is an experience I lack. Anyway, at the end of the summer, I felt really grateful for my job and was quite ok with our situation.

Now I am ambivalent. I plan on taking my 12 week maternity leave and then going back to work. Mostly I am at peace with this. But, when the new baby comes, half my paycheck will pay for daycare. While I realize that this is really very inexpensive for three kids, it still smarts a bit. Still, I don't want to try to get by just on Honey's salary. We hypothetically could do it, but it would mean tight belts and no wiggle room. And I do like my job. I like being able to decide to put the kids in activities if I want to put in the time, because the money is there if I choose to use it for that purpose. I like that having more resources gives us more choices. I like staying involved professionally. I also like that my job is flexible and laid back a good bit of the time. This allows me to be more involved in the evenings. (Although I am still tired a lot. Don't get me wrong. But who isn't? I'm just saying, it could be worse.)

I am sending good vibes into the future, hoping, like everything, there will be an adjustment period and then it will be ok.