10 Weeks. 10 weeks today. How did this happen? How is it even possible? I am still living in the hypothetical. I squint at my husband, peering incredulously into his face. "Do YOU think we are going to have a baby?" He looks at me with wide eyes and an amused smirk. "Yes, dear."
Really?
I didn't feel this way about the other two pregnancies. I was really happy and excited. Doubting Thomas didn't really play a starring role in my psyche. I made baby blankets and watched the Food Network religiously. Perhaps this seems so surreal because we don't have cable? I kind of feel like my body is playing a joke on me this time, waiting behind a corner to jump out and yell, "Got you!" And then laugh maniacally.
Another thing that lends itself to the hypothetical is that I can't even think of any names I like. Everything is too common or too weird or starts with an M or is basically Jelly Bean's name with a couple of different consonants/vowels. (Oh the conundrum of the -en type names. What were we thinking? They're all the same!) And I can't find my copy of the Baby Name Wizard. If that's not an ominous beginning, I don't know what is.
And I am terrified of finding out what this little hypothetical baby is. I am equally apprehensive about either gender. What if it is a boy and is wild like Jelly Bean? Three boys. OMG. What if Jelly Bean hates it because it is a 'little boy to take his place'? What if it is (holymolybracemyself) a GIRL? Ugggg, Disney Princesses and feminism and pink things and hormones and dating violence... What if Jelly Bean hates it because it is a 'little girl who you love more than me'? What if Brother gets so shuffled off into a corner because of his relatively good behavior and lack of neediness that he twists his anger inward and becomes a drug addict at the age of 9, slugging back Benadryl and sleeping inordinate amounts of time in his new racecar bed tent.
Ok, now I'm being melodramatic. I know. Honey says that right now I can feel however I feel, but once I see this little baby, it will be real and I will want it. He is sure of this, so I will try to be sure, too.
Still, I keep on squinting at the future. Really?
3 comments:
I find I can hardly believe it either! I think it's because you were so convincing in the Doubting Thomas post. But what it gives me is this feeling every day this pregnancy persists is like a MAGIC GIFT.
Whereas I have felt this way about each and every one of my pregnancies. For me the feeling passed with time, even before the baby was born.
"Perhaps this seems so surreal because we don't have cable?" HA!
10 weeks already! Squee!
I am very excited for you even if you yourself are mired in doubt at the moment. I just feel that it will all work itself out and it's good to get the doubts and worries out of the way now.
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