Mood

I am cold in my office. I could have sworn I brought in my sweater...I could have sworn. But it is no where to be found. I could go out to the car and look, but it just seems like too much trouble. I just want to stay right here, wrapped around my tea mug.

I really want to be cheery for you all. I don't want to be the wah-wah baby who is always bringing everyone down. But I am melancholy today. Things just aren't working out right. Well, that is not true. Things are working out just right. Like I had just enough money to pay for the doctor's visit and prescription for Jelly Bean. (The prescription that is NOT covered by our health insurance. *Sigh*) So much so that there is a total of $0.83 in our checking account. I will have just enough gas to get me to the next payday. No more. Hopefully no less. I have presents for Brother and Honey laid out of my desk. The lack of gifts makes me want to cry. This whole day makes me want to crawl into a corner and cry. I am hoping that Brother will have a good Christmas. That he will have enough to have fond memories. I hope, like everything else, what I have for him is 'just enough.'

I get so jealous when I hear about other people going to the stores, spending money on things I would like to have. I feel small and petty. But also alone. I guess that is what depression does to you. Isolates you. When I am thinking of all of the ways that we are just barely scraping by, I know I should be thinking of all of the ways I am lucky. Let's count the things I have an abundance of. A despicable terrible abundance. I heard somewhere that numbers do matter.

1. Clothes. Collectively we have so many clothes, we need to bag them up and post them on Freecycle.
2. Tree Ornaments. We have some from my childhood, and all the ones Brother has made thus far. Plus we have the Applesauce and Cinnamon ornaments and Salt Dough ornaments we made and painted this year. We have so many extras, I am giving the ones we made away to deserving friends. (Poor friends). We have boxes of ornaments that are not even on the tree, plus Honey's childhood ornaments, that haven't even made it to our house yet.
3. We have a lot of bath towels.
4. We have a lot of dishes. There are a few things I could use another of, but mostly we have plenty of dishes.
5. We have a lot of toys. The kids always have something to play with. I am grateful for all the people who love us enough to give my children gifts.
6. We have money for important things. We have electricity. I can turn on the heat, cook dinner, and call my grandmother long distance.
7. In fact, we may have money for some not-so-important things. Like Cable. And Chocolate chips.
8. We have an obscene amount of freezer space. We just got a new chest freezer from my MIL. It used to be hers. And now it is ours. What should I fill it with, I wonder. My father says: Ice. For Hurricanes.
9. Greenery. While where you live, the world may be blanketed in snowy white, I still have marigolds blooming in my yard. And Ficus trees. My porch is so trendy with its abundance of ficus trees and beautiful door, we have a couple of copy cats in the neighborhood.
10. Pictures. I am so glad to be able to have so many pictures of my boys while they are growing.

Now for maybe some things I am GLAD I have too little of:

1. Dog poop. We have no fence. The neighbors have a new fence. We have no dog. The neighbors have two dogs. Since the neighbors have two dogs and a very nice new fence, all the dog poop has vanished from my yard.
2. Propensity to get sick. I have a very teensy amount of this. *Knock on wood*
3. College Math Credits. There has been a lot of math talk going about lately.
4. Items on my To Do list
5. Pre-pregnancy clothes I can't get into
6. Jiggle in my upper arms when I wave. I don't have too much of that.
7. Presents left to be bought and/or wrapped.
8. Days before our holidays start (we work a skeleton crew around here during the holidays, which means we get a whole bunch of days off for Christmas/New Year's. Like almost two whole weeks paid vacation.)
9. Allergies. In fact, I have none. My kids have them, though.
10. Room left to fill on this list. (This second one was really really hard!)

Well, I feel a bit better. I am hoping to post some pictures of our holiday activities tomorrow. Yuletide greetings, everyone.