The radishes are up!
The lettuce is up!
But oh, everything else is still sleeping...
Friday, March 7, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Pouring Rain
The skies are so sun shiny today, but yesterday, even though the weather was comparable, it felt dark and black. Work has been so hard lately. So demanding and stressful. The things I used to love about my job (relaxed atmosphere, doing what I loved to do in my own field, etc.) seem to have fallen by the wayside somehow.
Now, I just want those things back.
Bad days like that just make me look forward to the time when I will be able to quit and stay home with the kids. Will this day ever actually come? This is up for debate. But bad days strengthen my resolve to make sure that the day has every opportunity to present itself because I did everything in my power to bring it about. (Well, let's not go crazy. I could sell the house and live in a tent...THEN we would have less bills.)
As I was leaving Girl Friday told me to leave work at the door and just go get the kids and not worry about all of the monumental bull crap I have been dealing with. And I took her advice...a little. I tried really hard to leave it at the door. But then I went and got Jelly from the daycare. And the teachers were trying to get him to say, "I Love You" for me. Because he will tell the daycare workers that he loves them, but he has never said it to me. Nor would he. They hear him say this, his first sentence (and an important one at that), sing the Elmo theme song, and watch him grow and play and develop right in front of their eyes every day. They get these wondrous privileges PLUS I pay them. For what? So I can go to work and be miserable doing things that make Hercules' tasks look like a walk in the sun. Needless to say, I had a hard time leaving this idea at the door.
Yes, if I ever quit my job, I worry that I will regret it. I have a great job, really. But. BUT. I already regret missing every one of Jelly Bean's firsts. First step. First word. First sentence. I already regret not being able to have Brother get off the bus at his house and having to spend summers locked in a facility with too much TV and yelling. How does money compare to the desires of your heart?
Now, I just want those things back.
Bad days like that just make me look forward to the time when I will be able to quit and stay home with the kids. Will this day ever actually come? This is up for debate. But bad days strengthen my resolve to make sure that the day has every opportunity to present itself because I did everything in my power to bring it about. (Well, let's not go crazy. I could sell the house and live in a tent...THEN we would have less bills.)
As I was leaving Girl Friday told me to leave work at the door and just go get the kids and not worry about all of the monumental bull crap I have been dealing with. And I took her advice...a little. I tried really hard to leave it at the door. But then I went and got Jelly from the daycare. And the teachers were trying to get him to say, "I Love You" for me. Because he will tell the daycare workers that he loves them, but he has never said it to me. Nor would he. They hear him say this, his first sentence (and an important one at that), sing the Elmo theme song, and watch him grow and play and develop right in front of their eyes every day. They get these wondrous privileges PLUS I pay them. For what? So I can go to work and be miserable doing things that make Hercules' tasks look like a walk in the sun. Needless to say, I had a hard time leaving this idea at the door.
Yes, if I ever quit my job, I worry that I will regret it. I have a great job, really. But. BUT. I already regret missing every one of Jelly Bean's firsts. First step. First word. First sentence. I already regret not being able to have Brother get off the bus at his house and having to spend summers locked in a facility with too much TV and yelling. How does money compare to the desires of your heart?
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Tough Love
Ever notice that growing things is a lot like motherhood? Or at least parts are. This is my thought this morning as I am sowing seeds into the garden or flats, according to their preference. Laying them down to doze in the warm sun, bringing up a blanket of fresh earth to envelope and protect them until they are ready to make their own way in the world.
Plants are easy to love with a simple fondness that doesn't really have a sour side. Sure, they need caring for, but they don't whine when you weed or complain while you prune. Jelly Bean has his issues. Like keeping still for a diaper change AND not digging in the poopy mess while I try to mop up his behind. He has also decided that canned carrots are for the birds, and also good for throwing. Even with all that, he is so easy to enjoy. I guess because he has no responsibility other than to be his own little self. Everything he does has a shiny newness.
Brother is different. I wish it weren't so. I don't think it is because of him personally, really. And it makes me sad that everything is a tug of war with him. Give a little, take a little, but not so easy to enjoy. There are fleeting moments where I am not trying to get him to do something and he isn't trying to get me to deviate from making him do something. It is hard to remember he is a little boy, only 7-years-old. I try to be mindful, but our lives are so full, especially during the week when we have just two hours to eat dinner and do homework and get ready for bed. I feel like I am always commanding him to do something. And then, even on the weekends, he has these interests that I can't even listen to. Like video games and Pokemon. I want to listen to his excitement and what he has to say, but even staring right into his eyes when he is speaking of these strange things, my brain involuntarily shuts down. I can't help it. I have tried. Even so, when the neighbor whipped her 5-year-old with a belt on her front porch yesterday, I felt a little better about my parenting skills. I may need to be more mindful and less bossy, but I don't leave welts on my kids.
I fear I am one of those parents who is a good parent to a small child but my parenting ability declines as the child ages. I guess I just have to keep in mind to try harder. Always. Try harder.
Plants are easy to love with a simple fondness that doesn't really have a sour side. Sure, they need caring for, but they don't whine when you weed or complain while you prune. Jelly Bean has his issues. Like keeping still for a diaper change AND not digging in the poopy mess while I try to mop up his behind. He has also decided that canned carrots are for the birds, and also good for throwing. Even with all that, he is so easy to enjoy. I guess because he has no responsibility other than to be his own little self. Everything he does has a shiny newness.
Brother is different. I wish it weren't so. I don't think it is because of him personally, really. And it makes me sad that everything is a tug of war with him. Give a little, take a little, but not so easy to enjoy. There are fleeting moments where I am not trying to get him to do something and he isn't trying to get me to deviate from making him do something. It is hard to remember he is a little boy, only 7-years-old. I try to be mindful, but our lives are so full, especially during the week when we have just two hours to eat dinner and do homework and get ready for bed. I feel like I am always commanding him to do something. And then, even on the weekends, he has these interests that I can't even listen to. Like video games and Pokemon. I want to listen to his excitement and what he has to say, but even staring right into his eyes when he is speaking of these strange things, my brain involuntarily shuts down. I can't help it. I have tried. Even so, when the neighbor whipped her 5-year-old with a belt on her front porch yesterday, I felt a little better about my parenting skills. I may need to be more mindful and less bossy, but I don't leave welts on my kids.
I fear I am one of those parents who is a good parent to a small child but my parenting ability declines as the child ages. I guess I just have to keep in mind to try harder. Always. Try harder.
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